Race Recap: Gladiator Assault Challenge

 Gladiator Assault Challenge 5/22/2021, Boone, IA

Weather: 75 degrees, sunny

Terrain: Ski hill, muddy trails

Distance: 5K (full course 6 miles)
Elevation Gain: 5K approx. 800 feet

Course map

Garmin data

My friend Megan and I carpooled to Boone for this race, the first actual EVENT that I've done since February 2020. Being fully vaccinated, I was not concerned about catching any horrible viral diseases, which is good because thanks to our horrific Iowa governor (which is a subject for a whole other blog), all mask mandates and recommendations were obliterated prior to this event. I ended up feeling very safe, between the vaccine, the outdoor setting, and the natural social distancing that we all continued to uphold after 15 months of diligent practice. That is all I will say about the COVID. For the most part, Megan and I were pleased that it felt like "the before times" out there.

How normal the world looks!

Check-in was lightning fast, just wristbands and a t-shirt. The festival area was, as always, compact enough to find everything but spacious enough to distance. We headed up to the top of the ski hill for the start line and began with the 9 AM wave. First we descended the big hill via switchbacks, then went through the Muddy Bunkers, which are always a treat. Get us filthy IMMEDIATELY, that's the GAC way! We slid into muddy water three times, then hauled ourselves out and lumbered up the hill to a big bottleneck where everyone had to do a low crawl under an obstacle. This one should have been saved for later in the course, as it really did back up traffic this early. 

After getting out of there, we encountered another bottleneck as we approached the woods and people were trying desperately to ascend a steep muddy trail in their old-ass road shoes. I valiantly scrambled ahead like a mountain goat and pushed, pulled, and dragged slipping people up. After offering to throw hands to people's butts to get them up, I said "it's been a LONG quarantine" to great amusement. Seriously, this is the first time I've touched a stranger in over a year, and it felt natural! Mud run: 1. COVID: 0.

Point about this venue: if you're not going uphill, you're going downhill. We reached a downhill so steep we needed to use ropes to descend. On the muddy ropes I used my patented "cock your wrist up a bit so the rope doesn't slide right through your hands" technique. Works every time. Down the hill. Up the hill. This course absolutely refuses to give you a break. And the trails were particularly muddy from a week of rain, so every direction you went was slippery. 

After descending the ski hill again back past the spectators, we did an A-frame with a cargo net on the back end, then two 8-foot walls. They had boards as steps in the middle, but I used my tall-walls technique and didn't need them. This was very impressive to the ladies behind me, which always makes me feel good about myself. Glad I'm not too rusty out here! Between the walls was a 3-foot wall that the big muscular dude in front of me HOPPED OVER like it was the world's easiest box jump. "I teach parkour," he explained. Hell yeah you do, dawg.

Parkour would be no help for the next challenge, though: getting back to the top of the ski hill. No switchbacks, just a straight-up climb. I managed to make it to the top without stopping to rest, by some miracle. Up and down through the trails, then back out by the main ski hill for the Mud Crawl obstacle. Due to previous years' trauma, I had vowed to skip any mud pit that was LABELED (as an obstacle), so I walked around it with no regrets. I'd already encountered a woman who'd lost both shoes in the Muddy Bunkers. Not gonna do it. Up and over a very loose A-frame cargo net, then through a paracord maze beneath the finish line A-frame obstacle. 

After that was crawl tubes. They started in water. I said "OH GOD" when I saw the inside of the tunnels and realized the water ends halfway because the tubes tilt up. I had to push myself valiantly with my toes because my hands couldn't get much purchase on the slippery tube. Luckily for Megan she was short enough (5'2") to crawl on hands and knees and avoid my weird toe-pushing strategy. If you are approaching six feet tall, you will hate this obstacle! Up the hill, under a very short barbed wire crawl that a middle-aged man was cheering me on for, for some reason. I didn't look like I needed help, but he really wanted to encourage me. Then he started talking about how his wife says he needs to grow a bigger butt so he can keep his gun holster on his hips better, and how he has to carry a gun because of how society is today, and at this exact moment a 20-year-old male volunteer roared right past us on an ATV and blessedly cut off the one-sided conversation. In related news, I now believe there IS a God. 

Megan and I headed back down the muddy trails and I rolled my ankle. It was quick but vicious. I knew within one minute that this was an injury. A small one, but an injury. Thankfully we shortly after got to walk through an ice-cold creek for a couple tenths of a mile! The water felt great. Walking on rocks, not so much. I knew I'd be taking the 5K split instead of doing the full 6 miles. This was only about 1.6 miles into the race and I absolutely could not risk a more serious injury before Spartan Ohio.

Climbed back up the slope, then balanced on the logs through Wobbler. About 30 feet long, about 9-inch diameter logs. It was easy as long as you took your time. I didn't see anyone fall in this year! Down the hill back to the festival area for Monkey Mayhem, which is usually monkey bars, and usually really easy. This year it was...a rope, strung horizontal, but extremely slack, over a shallow water pit. There were NO directions on what we were meant to do here. You could literally walk through the water and do nothing. I ended up just doing a tyro-traverse hand over hand pull while floating. This obstacle was LAME. I wish they'd kept the monkey bars. After that was the one where you go through a water/mud pit under some chain-link fencing. It was fine. A lady ran into me, apologized, then kept doing it. Instead of just stopping and waiting for the all clear. It was ridiculous.

After that was the 5K split. I told Megan she had better keep going for the full. Just because I was hobbled didn't mean she could quit early! So we split up and I circled back around to the top layer of crawl tubes. No water this time! Then right away to the final A-frame, which is always scary because the holds on the way up have tons of caked-on dirt. I survived, then crossed the finish. Medal, beer, banana, photo. Megan finished the full course an hour later, which gave me time to use the hose wash, change, eat nachos (the food tent is amazing), and sit with a bag of ice on my ankle until it melted.

Pros:

-Spectator-friendly. The course loops past the festival many times.

-Terrain is VERY challenging and technical. Which is kind of surprising for such an otherwise casual event.

-Simple but effective. Not a lot of bells and whistles, but what they do, they do well.

Cons:

-Obstacles are way too easy. They're almost ALL just climbing over, under, or through things. I'd love to see a few grip obstacles, maybe a rope climb, a couple heavy carries. They also have many "obstacles" listed on the map that are really just hills.

-Mud. It just feels like they're trying too hard to make us instantly dirty. Like I've said before, mud should serve a purpose. Some folks love it, though.

Race Grade: B+. A good, basic OCR that felt great to do after a long racing hiatus.