Inner Saboteur

With RuPaul's Drag Race returning (this Friday!) and my Spartan Ultra looming large, I've been thinking a lot about my inner saboteur. This is the person inside us all who, according to RuPaul, is trying to destroy us from the inside. Mine may have reared her ugly head a few times during the Arizona Super when I distinctly thought to myself, "how the HELL am I gonna basically do this Super FIVE TIMES IN A ROW?" The whole idea sounded completely impossible. Despite having a great weekend and recovering well between races, I still had nagging doubts upon my return to Iowa that I would even stand a chance of finishing the Ultra.

Granted, there is a lot stacked against me at the moment. I lost about 6 weeks of good training to anemia. I lost about two weeks of good training to Sprain #1. I lost months to Sprain #2, which is still recovering and nagged me a bit post-Arizona (it sprang back remarkably well, but it still wasn't totally happy during the race). Fall and winter should have been spent building mileage, and instead I was just trying to cling to the fitness I'd spent all summer cultivating. Weight was gained. Gains were lost.

It wasn't all bad, though. I did get in excellent work on obstacles. I've learned a better way of eating to keep myself feeling less inflamed, and the extra weight is coming off. There's a mental edge that comes with injury, and I feel more grateful for the opportunity to suffer. I'm going to be able to train on flat and wet terrain, which will be quite similar to the Ohio Ultra (I did the Ohio Beast last year and...yeah). I'm very confident in hikes up to 20 miles, and on grip obstacles up to Twister. Really, the Ultra is only 10 more miles.

And many hours on the feet. Look, I've suffered before. I did the Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon on no training, in the pouring rain, and finished with hamburger-meat feet and zero spectators after the time limit. I had several blisters pop in the Green Bay Marathon. But my marathon personal worst is 7:45. The Ultra will be AT LEAST 5 hours longer than that. I have never suffered for that long and, frankly, I'm scared. Not gonna lie. Even childbirth had an epidural as a contingency plan. Can I force myself to suffer for that long? Or will I give up?

I talked this existential crisis through with a personal training client. She is a no-nonsense chick and I figured she'd be straight with me. Sure enough she was like "psht, girl, you at least have to TRY, if you can't do it so what? What's the worst that would happen, you do one lap of the Ultra and quit? You can try again some other time."

SHE IS RIGHT, you guys. None of us can know how our first Ultra will go. Everything might feel amazing. Everything might feel like it is literally in flames. You might make the time cutoffs with hours to spare. You might miss the transition cutoff by 3 minutes. Maybe I won't have a choice if my foot falls off from gangrene. But I can choose, right here and now, to kick my inner saboteur and her terrible ideas about quitting right square in the nuts. If I don't finish, I will at least live to race another day. Some extremely fit people take several attempts to finish their first Ultra. But I will try my best. I will train my damnedest, I will get my nutrition on point, I will do every burpee at every failed obstacle and move as quickly as I can through that damned swamp. And I won't leave Ohio with any regrets or, hopefully, staph infections.