I had never done a Spartan race before – I figured it was
the domain of ultra-buff Crossfitters who think ball slams and box jumps are a
really good time. So naturally, it sounded like the ideal challenge for someone
who was, let’s face it, a bit burned out on distance walking. The first few
months of 2017 were spent bulking up my muscle mass, then with 5 weeks until
race day I realized “I better do some burpees, and lose some weight so I can
capitalize on my strength.” Crammed in some great training and an excellent
diet, and lost 11 lb before the race and had a combination of leanness and
brute strength that I hadn’t had in years. The week before the race, I felt
like some sort of jungle cat, so ready for this challenge that I knew almost
nothing about. It is distinctly un-Spartan-like to even ask what the obstacles
will be. They will be discovered on the course, which, it turns out, means you
have to be very smart about pacing. (Spoiler: I was very smart about pacing.)
My sister-in-law (SIL) and I showed up for our afternoon
start time about an hour early and wandered around the lower level of Lambeau
Field, looking at the visible obstacles and the countless Spartans running up and
down the (approximately) eleventy billion stairs of one of the NFL’s largest
stadiums. Being a massive Packers fan, it is always a pleasure to visit
Lambeau. “Aaron Rodgers has STOOD RIGHT THERE!” No Packers were standing there
today, and no lines were on the field…no Spartans, either, which some folks
were disappointed about. But the hallowed turf of Lambeau is no place for us
mortals, so I was not upset. Jordy Nelson is worthy; I am not.
At about 2:20 PM we headed up the ramps to the start line
with the rest of our wave. For no discernable reason, we had to hop over a 4’
wooden wall to get to the start corral. A taste of things to come! Finally SIL
and I were placed in our group of 15 (released every minute) and it was our
time to go! Power walking up the ramp was easy peasy, until we got to the
cords, which were laced at about waist-level across the entire ramp. Squat and
side-waddle underneath…over…and over…for about a football-field distance of
uphill ramp. NOW we’re cookin’ with gas. “My hammies!” I was heard to remark.
SIL and I were heard to remark a LOT of things in this race, most of them
devastatingly hilarious and ribald. We heard many fellow Spartans laughing at
our obviously-rookie shenanigans and skylarkings.
At the top of the ramp, there were a series of four 4’ walls
like we had encountered earlier. Hopped over them with as much spry ease as a
middle-aged woman can muster. Then we encountered our first official “someone
is telling us what to do” obstacle: 20 hand-release pushups (where your chest
touches the ground and you lift your hands on each rep). I did these modified,
as did the other lady Spartans, because I am not stupid and we were just
getting started.
First impression of Spartan: they love little walls.
We went out into the bowl for our first set of stadium
stairs. We quickly realized that stadium stairs are longer and deeper (that’s
what SHE said) than regular stairs. Fortunately, with my nearly 6-foot height,
I had the option of taking long bounding steps down the stairs, taking care to
land properly with flexed knees and straight ankles. As a result, I flew by
everybody on the way down, only to have them easily jog past me on the way up. Fortunately,
no Spartans were dicks about being held up (in too-narrow sections) or asking
to pass. There was a real sense of camaraderie, as well as a real sense of “STAIRS
ARE HARD.”
We came out of our first stair section only to encounter…having
to pick up a 25-lb sandbag and run around ANOTHER stair section! Calgon, take
me away! Fortunately carrying my 32-lb toddler prepared me for that.
Easier than juggling a tray of beers on these steps.
Afterward
we took a long ramp down and encountered a 6’ wooden wall. Let’s do this! We
sprinted for the wall and immediately realized “oh, this is harder than it
looks.” The wall was sanded and finished and quite slippery, so there was no
chance of taking a step in the middle to help yourself up. A nearby lady named
Jamie said we should boost each other up, and so she boosted me, then I went
back around and boosted her. Teamwork makes the dream work!
Next up was a water stop, where a fabulous volunteer with a
man bun made conversation about Jelly Belly Sport Beans (which I was carrying
and using to supplement with the provided water). Then it was the rope climb,
where there were no knotted ropes for ladies, so it went extremely poorly and
we joined the approximately 95% of participants who were doing burpees. Since
we were on textured concrete, I modified the burpees, as unmodified burpees
would have made my knees bloody and that would be unhygienic and/or gross.
Total burpees count: 30.
After the burpees, we encountered the Rolling Epic, which I
had read about and figured was probably the worst possible obstacle to do right
after burpees. You put your toes on a small (about 8” square) four-wheeled
scooter and walk on your hands about 30 feet to a painted line on the ground.
The main challenge here is core strength, which had just been sapped a bit
during the burpees. Fortunately it seemed to be within the rules to “rest”
during the obstacle by drawing your knees in and basically crouching on the
scooter for a bit. Managed to make it across the line without falling!
Immediately afterward, we did 20 box jumps onto a platform that was about 18
inches high (for the women). Not terribly difficult when you’re tall, at least.
Another long ramp back up! At this point SIL was asking me “what’s
next? How far have we gone?” and I was like “stop asking me stupid questions!
They don’t tell you ANYTHING around here!” Spirits were still high and we were
still joking around. Then we did our third trip around the stadium stairs (our
second unencumbered by sandbags). MY HAMMIES. Lots of Spartans were resting
during the stairs, which is totally understandable. We had to take a few breaks
on the stairs during the day, though not as many as I thought we would!
After the stairs, we came across a line of rings hanging
from above that we were meant to swing across. LOLOLOL OMG. I hopped onto the
first rings, made it nowhere (as expected), and did my burpees (as probably 95%
of the Spartans were doing). I knew if I had to do anything monkey
bar-adjacent, I’d burpee out, so I was prepared. SIL and I banged ‘em out. At this point we decided it would be inspiring to yell to each other, "what would (insert Packer here) do?!" Unfortunately I started with "what would Eddie Lacy do?" and a nearby burpee-ing guy said "probably eat a cheeseburger!" LOLZ all around! Total burpees count: 60.
Next were, you guessed it, stairs! For the fourth time! This
set of stairs seemed longer and harder, that’s what SHE said. At this point in
the race I said something I can’t remember and SIL yells at me “SHUT YOUR WHORE
MOUTH! …I’m sorry.” It honestly didn’t even occur to me to be offended. If we
do this race again we will call our team The Whoremouths. At the bottom of the
stairs we found a much-needed water stop. Stairs dry out the mouth badly. From
the water stop we could see a giant wall coming up, and we started speculating
about whether we’d be willing to show our boobs to lean young men to get a
boost up the wall. Consensus: hell yes.
Randall Cobb's got nothing on us
But first, we went outside! Huzzah! First up in this
section: a traverse wall. This was a zig-zag wall with outcroppings of wood for
the hands and feet. After figuring out how to place my feet (tip: make sure
your dominant foot can come around the outside of the zig-zag), it was really
fun and not too difficult. Then we climbed this gigantic cargo net on an
A-frame, which was about 30 feet high or so. I am afraid of heights, but when
in Sparta. The net was not loose enough to fall through, so that helps. At the
top I said “I wonder how many swamp crotches have straddled this apex today?
Don’t think about it.” We made it back to the bottom without plummeting to our
deaths, so no burpees for us!
We put the "BAMFs" in "A-FraMe...Bs?"
Then: the spear throw. I had heard of this, but had no clue
how to prepare for such a ridiculous thing. I watched others do it and figured
holding it in the middle and whipping the thing was a good strategy, so I did.
And I broke the tip of the spear off on the target. Oops. It must have been
broken before I got to it, because I am not some sort of Hulk monster. The
spear was promptly replaced and I tried two more times but, while I could hit
the target with the tip, I could not make it stick (neither could SIL). I
decided doing half the burpees would be punishment enough for my lamentable
lack of spear-throwing talent. Total burpees count: 75.
The next obstacle in the outdoor parking-lot section was the
Atlas carry, which involved carrying a big block of concrete (I don’t remember
the weight – maybe 50 lb?) about 40 feet, doing 5 burpees, then carrying it
back. This was easy as hell, since I know how to pick up a large weight with my
legs. Do not use your back. You will die. Total burpees count: 80 (and this is
where we would end! No more burpees for us Spartan goddesses).
When we came back inside, we went for the giant wall we had
seen. Turns out it was 7’ tall. Thankfully, Jamie was there waiting for us!
Another group of two ladies joined our crew and we all hauled each other over
the wall. On this one, we needed another girl to catch us as we fell off the
other side. Then an 8’ wall. I experienced two different injuries on this
obstacle, both mild: I pulled my right hip abductor as I mounted the wall. “MY
ABDUCTOR!” I called out in a realistic fashion. Fortunately once I hit the
ground, it eased up and was totally fine. I am guessing it was also on the 8’
wall that I bruised and chafed my right bicep, which I did not notice until
hours later. Water break afterward, wherein I finished up my packet of fruit
punch Sport Beans.
Next up: the Hercules hoist! I had heard that this one was a
real killer. You use a rope and pulley to haul a 100-lb sandbag into the air
and lower it down in a controlled manner. This was SO EASY it’s not even funny.
Apparently I have a really strong back and naturally good technique, wherein I
held the rope and let my body fall back, then grabbed the rope higher and
repeated the process. Basically my 174-lb body weight did all the work for me,
although the rope tore my hands up a bit on the lowering-down part. SIL and I
helped Jamie do her hoist, then we all moved on to the next obstacle: 20 reps
of ball slams with a 15-lb medicine ball. Easy. I was impressed too with how
smartly the course was designed, to have a pull obstacle immediately followed by
a push obstacle so that your muscle groups were alternated.
We came to another stairwell, but surprise! There were cords
crisscrossing here as well! It was a nice callback to our initial ramp. We
crawled up the stairs and I felt my foot contact someone behind me. I said “I’m
so sorry, did I kick you?” and she snotted “yeah.” Lady, it is YOUR job to
watch where MY feet are, since I am crawling up stairs and you are behind me
and crowding me. That was the one and only rude idiot I encountered on the
course. Everyone else was so nice it was almost eerie. At the top of the stairs
we found heavy jump ropes and had to use giant rubber bands to bind our ankles
together for 20 jumps. “This is some 50 Shades shit,” I was heard to remark. I
did my jumps without totally eating it, thankfully, because that would be
slightly embarrassing. Then out for our fifth and final set of stairs in the stadium,
which felt like it took forever, but at least by now we had found our groove
and were not complaining about “whore mouths” nearly as much.
At the top of the stairs a fellow Spartan informed us that
we only had down stairs from then on. Praise Jesus! We went down one last set
of stairs, then passed through the last obstacle, the Gladiator Gauntlet. This
was basically a gauntlet of heavy punching bags that we just had to pass
through. Super easy. My SIL joked with a volunteer, “that’s too hard, I have to
do the burpees instead.” Twenty yards past the gauntlet, I crossed the finish
line hand-in-hand with my luminous SIL and we got our free Miller Lite (tip:
bring your ID! We had to go out to bag check to fetch ours) and stretched.
The greatest victory at Lambeau since the Ice Bowl.
Consensus: we had so much fun. Knowing almost nothing about
the race, we were so open to the whole process, and it turned out that we
really enjoyed encountering these strange obstacles and just trying to muddle
through. We did pretty well, too, considering we only did burpees 2.5 times for
a 20-obstacle race. My muscles were so warm and pummeled that it felt like I’d
gotten an amazing massage. (I was sore the following day, though.) The
post-race food spread is fairly pathetic (Clif Builder Bars, bananas, water,
and a free Miller Lite with ID…other food costs big money), but the medal is DA
BOMB. Heavy and a nice stadium-specific ribbon. Marriot handed out a bunch of
free little black Spartan towels, so I got a set of two. Logistically this race
was pretty good. Despite the utter lack of information (there was no course map
even AT THE EVENT ITSELF), it was very smooth to check in and fairly easy to
find everything. Parking was free and we were able to park very close to the
race entrance in Lambeau’s Lot 1. And most importantly, everyone was nice.
Nobody was snobby or elitist. We were all in it together, for one blissful
70-degree breezy afternoon in Green Bay.
Race Grade: A-. Besides a few tiny things (I didn’t see
many, or any, bathrooms open on the course, and Gatorade would have been nice,
as well as a bigger post-race spread), it was very well done. Oh, and a free
bag check would be nice too. It cost $5. But oh well, no race is perfect, and
this race was awesome. SIL and I will probably be back next year. Hope to see
you guys there. We will be the ones making extremely inappropriate jokes and yelling
“BIIIIITCH, get your ass up these stairs, bitch!” Come say hi. We'll haul you over a wall if you want.
