Race Recap: Sturgis Falls Half Marathon

Sturgis Falls Half Marathon 6/30/19 Cedar Falls, IA

Weather: 80+ degrees, humid

Terrain: Paved recreation trail, roads

Distance: 13.1 miles

My first half marathon ever was the Sturgis Falls half marathon in 2007. Since then I have run/walked it 8 times, missing it only the three times I've been out of town (usually for other races) and the year that I gave birth a couple months earlier (I did the 5K instead). I train on these trails, I drive on these roads. I know this course. That said, this race is always one of the most miserable, "why can't I quit you?" events on my calendar. Why? Because it's late June in Iowa, where at least 3 of the following 5 components will be present: 1) heat 2) humidity 3) rain 4) mosquitoes 5) gale-force winds. This year we had 1, 2, and 4, which slowed everyone down a bit. In fact, I crunched the numbers, and usually about 1-3% of the field finishes in over 3 hours. In 2016 when I did this race, it was quite hot and 5% finished in over 3 hours. This year? NINE PERCENT. Also the winning time was about 7 minutes slower than usual. Just wanted to tell you guys right off the bat what we were dealing with today.

Temperatures topped 80 degrees at the 7 AM start of the race, but no matter! We were off and running! The half course split off and we started on the long flat out-and-back along the river. Fortunately I'd put my bug spray on. I was pleased to see the mile 2 aid station was present and accounted for, as sometimes it is missing. Ah, Sturgis, you fickle gal. There were some teen boys pointing the way and I saw one dancing, so I called out "show me a dope dance move!" and he immediately launched into this cool Michael Jackson spin move that led to his buddies doing a "Con-NOR! Con-NOR!" chant. It was fantastic.

We continued to the turnaround just past mile 4, which is on a sunny section that goes uphill, then we turn around and go back down. This sunny part was maybe a mile or so but it felt like being shot in the face with a shotgun slug made of HOT. Back to the shade for the slog back to the park (the teen boys did the running man), up out of the river valley at around mile 8. Uphill in the sun for a good 3/4 mile. Lots of walking in this portion. This is the part of the race where everyone starts to look like participants in Stephen King's "The Long Walk," but people were continuing to be in surprisingly good spirits. Everyone was encouraging each other and saying "good job" to strangers and such. I'd never seen such a love fest at Sturgis. We were all in this together, to quote High School Musical.

The out and back on Grand Boulevard is always a treat. One house left an amp in the driveway blaring the Hamilton soundtrack. Nothing makes a middle-aged gal jog more quite like hearing "My Shot" blasting in an upper-middle-class residential neighborhood. Two fine citizens left hoses shooting into the street to create cooling stations for the runners, which was a brilliant idea and I'm surprised nobody's done it before. Then again this year's race was at least 10 degrees hotter than ever before. Turnaround and back down Grand (as usual, I heard the song "Call Me Maybe" on this stretch), this time going DOWN the 3/4-mile hill, which was sublime. My splits resembled a bit of a bell curve, with the slowest miles being around 8-10 and then getting faster again.

We went past the utility company for yet another out-and-back section from mile 11-12 and the aid station had the Holy Grail of hot-weather race fuel: ICE WATER. I was so excited I took two cups and immediately dumped one down my shirt and the other down the back of my shorts. You may laugh but it is the best way to cool off. It perked me up enough to jog more as we looped the turnaround (staffed by the most enthusiastic teen girls yet!) and went back past Ice Water Heaven where I grabbed two more cups, this time for my shirt and the FRONT of my shorts. I jogged as much as possible to the finish (just under three hours! Woop!), where I took my medal, walked over to a sprinkler that had been positioned near the beverage tubs, and immediately sat down on the street and let the spray soak me from head to toe.

Pros:

-Aid stations. They all had Gatorade and water this year! And the ice water at mile 11.5...MWAH. Also they had BodyArmor at the end which is my favorite thing.
-People. Great volunteers (I think a lot of them are high school athletes, since the race is now put on by the local booster club) and participants!
-Course. I like all the out-and-backs. You get to see lots of folks and you don't feel so lonely in the back of the pack.

Cons:

-Weather. I can't blame the race for that, though. But it is a factor in a late-June race.
-Shirt. It's not great, also anyone thinner than me would be kind of screwed because the Small is still pretty big. If I'm wearing a Small, I don't know what women who are a foot shorter than me and weigh 70 pounds less would wear.

Race Grade: A-. Despite the heat, this was the smoothest running of Sturgis Falls races that I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of them.

Spartan Obstacle Techniques for Maximum Efficiency

A lot of times, Spartan obstacles can be extremely intimidating, especially for beginners. There are plenty of YouTube tutorials on obstacles, but those tend to assume a certain level of fitness already. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to watch a Twister tutorial, only to see “just keep your biceps locked at 90 degrees as you haul backwards hand over hand!” If I could do that, jerk, I wouldn’t need the tutorial. Here is a tutorial for clearing certain Spartan obstacles using good old-fashioned technique rather than brute strength. I will also classify the obstacles as Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced, with the later categories requiring more advance preparation in the gym to build more grip and upper-body strength.

Note: this list is not an exhaustive list of every Spartan obstacle. I decided to stick to obstacles that I either see a lot of folks requiring help on, or that I see people fail that I think could have done it with better technique.

Beginner

Tall wall (6’, 7’, 8’): jump/grab the top, put feet as flat against the wall as possible, then walk them up until you are hanging in a crouching position. From here, reach up with a foot (I like my non-dominant one) and hook your ankle on the top, using it to leverage your knee and groin so you straddle the wall. This technique works best when your feet are not coated in slick mud, but if you get your feet flat enough against the wall (requires some Achilles flexibility), it’s still doable when wet/muddy. This technique uses very little upper-body strength.

Z-wall: if your hands are large enough, hold on to the top holds with a pinch grip that is just hard enough to keep you up. Don’t overgrip. Walk on the bottom holds with the side of your forefoot, NOT your midfoot. This gives you the most surface contact. Count backwards on the bottom holds to ensure that you can round the outside corner easily (you will want to be straddling it, which is a much easier position).

Multi-rig (sprint): this is almost always just rings. Straight arms, use momentum to swing from ring to ring. If you need more momentum, generate it by pulling with the back arm on the backswing. This requires a bit of grip strength but in my opinion they are WAY easier than Spartan monkey bars.

Atlas carry: get on one knee, roll the ball up the kneeling thigh, then stand up with the other leg. Try to use as much legs and as little back as possible.

Herc hoist: use your body weight to “fall” backwards with the rope, then walk the hands up. Do this repeatedly until you got it up. To give your hands a break, you can stand on the slack rope that you’ve already pulled. Do NOT wrap the rope around any part of your body, as it could send you sailing into the air if you drop the bag.

Inverted wall: walk yourself up the underside, get your legs on the top rung, and get your ribcage over the top of the wall. Once your ribs are over, you can get the legs up and you won’t plummet.

Slip wall: lean back and keep the feet up and planted flat into the wall. Very important is the backwards lean. You should basically be squatting back, taking small steps to get up. Even if your feet are extremely muddy, you can clear this with proper technique.

Intermediate

Monkey bars: go thumbless. Grab the first bar, generate swing, and once you have enough momentum, COMMIT and grab the next bar. Go as quickly as you comfortably can. If the bars are set at different heights, get more swing for the higher grabs. In your training it is important to practice 1) swinging to get momentum, 2) gripping a thick bar, and 3) grabbing at different levels.

Multi-rig (super): these have rings and a horizontal bar. Use the straight-arm swing to get yourself up to the bar, then stay thumbless and shuffle sideways across to the next rings and continue.

Bender: grab whichever bar you can reach, then work up like monkey bars to get your arms to a higher bar. From there, put your feet on the bottom bar, work up the underside, put your ribcage as far over the top as you can, then get a leg up and over the top rung. Requires some hip flexibility, so do your hot yoga, people.

Beater: similar to monkey bars, except there is a spinning component. The spinning will actually help you generate momentum with your body swings to grab the next beater or bar. This one is all about commitment.

Rope climb: watch videos online to learn the S-wrap method (which I find more stable than the J-hook). Grab high on the rope and bring your knees up. The rope will be laying across your dominant foot between each lock. Stand on the rope with your non-dominant foot which will pinch the rope between your feet. Make sure you put your weight on your non-dominant foot rather than just trying to use muscle to pinch your feet together. Stand up straight, grip your hands higher up on the rope, then bring the knees up and repeat.

Advanced

Multi-rig (beast): this rig has vertical ropes to hold. Make sure your lane has knots at the bottom of the ropes before you start. All I can say is, practice gripping and swinging on ropes. There is no substitute for practice on this particular obstacle variation.

Twister: the method that uses the most momentum is a sideways swing, where you get going sideways and shuffle yourself across the holds laterally. I got nothing beyond that, though, because I can only make it to the end of the first section before my hands just hurt tremendously on those often-crappy grips.

Olympus: keep your feet high and flat, and work your way sideways methodically using the holes and the ball chains, always maintaining three points of contact with the wall. I never got anywhere on this one until I’d been training my lateral movement and grip for a LONG time.

Spear throw: hold the spear in the middle, take a deep breath, and throw straight at the target. Most folks pull across their body when they throw it, think straight forward. Even if you have great technique, this is always a crapshoot. Practice your burpees, haha.

Race Recap: Spartan Sprint Minnesota

Spartan Sprint Minnesota 6/22/19 Welch Village, MN

Weather: 70 degrees, sunny

Terrain: Grassy ski hill, some dirt trails

Distance: 3.5 miles, 22 obstacles

Showed up at the parking lot about 90 minutes before my wave started and got a nice close parking space and a pretty short registration line. This gave me plenty of time to walk around and enjoy the (surprise!) flawless weather (none of the predicted rain/thunderstorms, just blue skies) and scenery. I noticed a lot of elite women and age groupers of both sexes were failing the monkey bars, which didn't look difficult. This made me a bit nervous, but I channeled my inner Skip Bayless and thought "confidence!" Bag check was easy. Bathrooms were line-free. Elite men were shirtless.

My wave started at 9 AM. Lots of first-time Spartans in this race! First was an easy 4' wall, then we climbed a very long hill to get to the top of the "mountain" (which sits about 350 feet up). A single Hurdle at the top, then a 6' wall which was easily walkable. This course isn't known for mud, thank goodness, so we were dry...for now. Halfway back down the hill was Herc Hoist which was NOT in Beast Mode and therefore quite easy for everyone. At the bottom of the hill we wound past the festival to the aforementioned Monkey Bars so I could see what all the fuss was about. The bars didn't look too far apart, and they were all set at the same height. They go slightly uphill but only slightly. What could be so tough?

I tell ya: they were surprisingly tough! The bars felt farther apart when you were on them, and I think what threw a lot of folks off was they seemed to be such different distances apart. I had to take each one as its own separate event and swing to get new momentum on every single bar. The fact that they were sitting out in direct sunlight made people's hands a bit sweaty too. I was really struggling about halfway through, especially when a Negative Nancy came up behind me complaining about "I can't do this, this is too hard, this is ridiculous," which is the friggin' WORST thing to be hearing when you're on the strugglebus yourself. I tuned her out and REFUSED to fall off the bars. Continued until I rang the bell, extremely relieved and surprisingly tired. It took me around 90 full seconds to cross those. Thankfully there was a water stop afterward.

After the water stop was the dunk wall, followed by Rolling Mud. And my, was it muddy. And sandy. I ended up with lots of sand in my shoes, and my hair, and my pants, and my mouth. The water was also pretty cold but I enjoyed that part. Lots of others did not, so caveat emptor. The slip wall wasn't too bad as long as you had good technique with those muddy/sandy feet. We continued uphill back to the top of the mountain for a very scenic trip up the A-frame cargo, followed by a trifecta of heavy carries: Atlas carry, plate drag, and bucket. The bucket had logs to step over but was otherwise a vast improvement over the Ohio Beast. A welcome and fun jog downhill to the mile 2 marker and the spear throw! Which I missed to the right by INCHES. First fail of the day, and I definitely predicted it. The burpee pit had nice soft grass and was downhill so the burpees were easier, at least.

Another downhill jog to the barbed wire crawl. Yay, it goes downhill! Oh dear, it is LOW. This crawl was the lowest I have ever seen. You essentially HAD to roll through it, which I had never done before because I get dizzy easily. Tried it and I actually liked it. A very nice lady near me got bitten by a Mystery Bug, which was both amusing and horrifying. Downhill again! Then we turned and went back uphill. Look, Crawl Tubes! Tubular. And this time they go uphill!

At the top of this big hill we found the inverted wall, which was nice and dry, then went downhill again to vertical cargo, which was nice and tight and had no platforms to mount, thank goodness. A nearby gal and I bonded over our love of the Packers, which I didn't expect to find in Vikings country. We truly found love in a hopeless place. Next was the sandbag carry, which was tough, not gonna lie. We went straight up a super steep hill where a photographer was waiting for us. I did my absolute best to fake a smile.

The guy's face captures the general mood quite well.

Back down the hill with the sandbag, then we turned and climbed the freakin' black diamond run for the steepest hill of the day. And it just kept going. You'd think you were near the top, then you'd turn and find a whole new section. It was like the queue for Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyworld or something. I read that the maximum incline on this course was 45%, and we probably reached that in this section. Finally we reached the tippy top, where we found a water stop and the multi-rig, which was rings only in typical Spartan Sprint fashion. Thankfully I had spent the entire uphill hike trying not to let my hands get sweaty. And there was another photographer, yay!

Sun's out, guns out, tongues out.

We went back DOWN the hill for the last time today (this hill is so steep they had to give us switchbacks for the down portion) and came out in the finishing gauntlet. Z-walls went well. The rope climb was the last official obstacle (before the fire jump) and there was quite the crowd gathered 'round. I picked a good looking rope and locked my feet in...and realized my hands had zero friction. None. It was as if my fingerprints had been sanded off by the Gestapo. Since it wasn't raining, I'd left my dollar-store gloves in the car, and now I was regretting it a bit, although I'd hate to carry them the entire race for just one obstacle. I tried a different rope hoping it would be grippier, but gave up and did burpees instead. In retrospect I should have tried taking my damp shirt off and wrapping it around my hands to see if that would have worked. Live and learn. Next time! After my burpees I leapt over the flames and finished in about 1:37, which was a major Sprint (non-stadium) PR! Woop!

Flames! Flames on the sides of my...ankles!

Post-race goodies and love from volunteers (the lady handing out water was so supportive and nice), a line-free cold wash and change tent, and easy exit from the parking lot. This race could not possibly have gone any smoother. It was amazing. Such a vast improvement over last year's Minnesota Sprint, and it definitely confirmed my suspicions that this venue is absolutely incredible...when it's dry.

Pros:

-Course. Awesome obstacles (very beginner-friendly, but still challenging enough to be fun for experienced folks) and the terrain is dope. Steep but not ankle-breaking.
-People. The volunteers and participants were all extremely, ridiculously nice. Everyone I talked to was in a good mood, open and friendly. "Minnesota Nice," indeed!
-Organization. This went so smoothly, I honestly don't know how it could have been better.

Cons:

-...I got nothin'.

Race Grade: A. Fabulous. Fantastic. Delightful. Might be my best race experience ever.

Ten People You See At Every Mud Run

I wrote an article a couple months ago about the Ten People You See At Every Race, which outlined the ten main archetypes you will find at a road race. But mud runs and Spartans are another beast entirely (GET IT? BEAST?), so you find a different set of lunatics there. Let's explore that.

1) Beard Guy

There will be at least one thousand Guys With Beards at any mud run. It is a shockingly common facial-hair state for people who will be consistently doused in muck. But for our purposes, Beard Guy is slightly more specific, and you'll know him when you see him. Beard Guy is always between the ages of 27 and 46, and he usually has very ripped abs (always exposed). He consistently places in the top 15% of his age group. He will be wearing top-of-the-line shoes. For some reason his face is often muddier than his legs.

2) Gearhead

The Gearhead will be wearing EVERYTHING. Compression socks. Armsleeves. Knee brace. Fingerless gloves. Hydration vest. Five kinds of mustard packets. Sweatbands. A waterproof GPS watch. It's like an Instagram influencer exploded on them.

3) CrossFit Enthusiast

You don't need to spot these people. They'll bring it up.

4) Superhuman Parkour Freak

This guy can leap tall walls in a single bound. He can charge through Olympus in five seconds. Everything is so damn easy. He will probably be featured on the official Spartan Race Instagram.

5) Lady Who Can't Do ANYTHING

This woman is out there and she is trying, but God love her, she cannot do a damn thing. She needs a boost on a 4' wall. She sobs her way through A-frame cargo nets. She skips her burpees and probably straight-up skips obstacles. Nobody knows how she got signed up for this dang thing, least of all her.

6) Mansplainer

This guy will give you unsolicited pointers even if you are doing fine on an obstacle. He will let you know, not-so-subtlely, that his way is better than your way, li'l lady. (Alert: the mansplainer is sometimes a woman.)

7) Old Woman Kicking Ass

Just as every road race has a Fat Woman Kicking Ass, every OCR has an Old Woman Kicking Ass. She may be introduced by the hype man in the start corral. She is in her 70s and she is better than you at obstacles. Get into it.

8) Screech Owl

This lady will screech. A lot. At everything. Every time she encounters a puddle, EEEEEK. When she sees a tough obstacle on the horizon, SCREEEEEE. When she gets mud on her shoes, SQUAAAAAWK.

9) Negative Nancy

As opposed to screeching, Negative Nancy will hate on everything. The sandbags are too heavy. The walls are bullshit. The rig is stupid. OMG ANOTHER HILL. Negative Nancy is not here to have fun, and it shows. The best part of her race will be the beer after the finish.

10) First-Time Spear Throw Hitter

Every race has an adorable, enthusiastic participant who hits their first spear throw ever. I love this person. Even when I'm doing my spear throw burpees, I can't help but let out a mighty cheer. The enthusiastic first-timer is often at other obstacles, too. Cheer them on, dangit!

Is It Hard? (That's What She Said)

In the process of completing the Spartan Beast Ohio last weekend, I thought very hard about what factors play into making a race easier or more difficult. The terrain? The obstacle layout? The distance? Certainly all of these play a factor, but to what degree? Some races have gained a reputation for being almost mythically difficult (see: Killington Ultra) while others are scoffed at as "beginner crap" (see: Dallas Ultra. I don't say it's beginner crap, by the way, because ANY Ultra is a HARD Ultra).

The way I see it, there are a handful of factors that play into race difficulty, and each of these factors carries a different amount of weight for each individual racer. There are people who have no trouble with hills, but loathe mud. There are people who love mud, but hate rainy weather. It is truly up to each person to research what a particular course/venue has to offer, then decide if it's right for them. It's a big part of why I provide so many details in my race recaps. They (hopefully) help others to get a sense of what sort of difficulty the race will provide.

Let's look at the factors that contribute to difficulty.

1) Distance

Obviously, the longer the distance, the greater the endurance challenge will be. Due to the nature of OCR, it's difficult to standardize the distance and get them perfectly accurate. Some courses are generally known to be a bit longer than others within their same grouping. Example: some Sprints are 3 miles, others closer to 5. Some Beasts are 12 miles, some closer to 15. There has been a push lately to make these discrepancies a bit lessened, but it's gonna be an uphill battle for a few years. Speaking of which...

2) Hilly vs Flat

There is a general consensus that hilly courses are always tougher than flat courses. I submit that this can be false. A hilly Sprint is certainly tougher than a flat one, but once you get to the Beast or the Ultra distances, a flat course could actually screw you up by overworking your hip flexors. It truly does depend on what kind of terrain you are accustomed to. I would urge someone, at the longer distances especially, to train on the kind of terrain you'll be racing. If it's hilly, it will feel easier if you don't fight the terrain too much and let gravity assist you on the downhill sections.

3) Mud

Mud is a huge wildcard. A course like the Ohio Beast, which is flat, can get mountainous levels of quadriceps resistance if you add enough mud or water. Likewise, a dry course might be easy, but the same advantage you enjoy will also be enjoyed by your opponents (if you are competitive). Also, what kind of mud are we talking about? There's a huge difference between Sucking Mud and Sloshing Mud. If you don't know WTF I'm talking about, sign up for next year's Chicago Super.

4) Inclement Weather Potential

Some areas, like the Pacific Northwest, are famously rainy. Some places are seasonally wet as well. Rain has potential to ruin your day. Thunderstorms can flat-out cancel an event, but even innocuous drizzle can make grip obstacles impossible for many folks (and god help you if there are a lot of grip obstacles in the race you chose). Chicken-winging works if you can do it, but again, either train in these conditions or at least consider them when planning your schedule. Rain can easily take a race from a 4 level of difficulty to a 9.

5) Obstacle Spacing

Courses are changed every year. They might not have the same obstacles in the same places. But looking at a previous year's course map, you can generally get a sense of how they space the obstacles. Even spacing is always nice to see, but often a race might be backloaded with obstacles near the festival/finish area (Spartan Ohio, looking at you), or might have random gauntlets of several obstacles in a row in the middle of the race if it loops near the festival (Spartan Minnesota). These can create some major fatigue zones, especially if there are two or more obstacles that you are very likely to fail. This contributes hugely to the difficulty of a course, no matter how good you are at OCR.

6) The Bob Hope Factor

A boring course is a tough course. If the terrain all looks the same, if there are no scenic vistas, if the obstacles are ho-hum, you will probably find your mental game slipping. To me, nothing makes a race harder than being friggin' BORED. Courses that keep you on your toes and have varied terrain/obstacles will help you feel fresh and focused throughout, making the difficulty level from the other factors on the list much more tolerable. Always find a race with the Bob Hope Factor!

Race Recap: Spartan Beast Ohio

Spartan Beast Ohio 6/8/19 Garrettsville, OH

Weather: 80 degrees, sunny

Terrain: Off-road park, 1/3 each muddy forest, knee-deep water, and sand/gravel

Distance: 13 miles, approx. 30 obstacles

I arrived about 90 minutes early to the venue, pumped up by booty rap and ready to go! Only to find that, despite being told that we'd be able to park in the main lot if we had all-wheel drive, they were parking EVERYONE in the boonies. Got out of my car and started walking down the road. After literally a mile of walking, I came across a line of people waiting for a shuttle, of which there were a total of four. Four buses. We saw zero come by for a while. Cars were coming by trying to get closer to the venue, and one of them said we could hop in his truck bed. I quickly got on with about 7 other Spartans and we waved to the others in line as if we'd gotten on the last lifeboat on the Titanic. Two miles later (!!!) we arrived at the main parking lot, profusely thanked our pickup-truck savior, and I headed for check-in.

After finishing my second breakfast and enjoying a little Rick Astley on the sound system, I checked my bag and went to the start corral. The waves were running a bit behind due to the parking disaster, so my 8:45 wave started closer to 9 AM. We started off through muddy forest and one of the groups near me had these women who made loud screeching sounds every time they encountered a tiny bit of mud. LOLOLOL you bitches have NO IDEA what you are in for today. Let me explain the terrain thusly: there are three primary ecosystems in the Spartan Beast Ohio. 1) Forest with mud. The mud would range from none to thigh-deep. Fortunately the mud was not shoe-sucking like the Chicago Super. It was just gross. Which is very doable, as long as you keep your hands dry. 2) Underwater. It's either a marsh or a stream (really a flooded ATV road), but it's about knee deep. 3) Sand dune/gravel road, or sandy hill with giant rocks to climb up/down. The ecosystems were split so that a total of about 1/3 of the course was each of these. You never knew what was coming next. You could go from marsh to mud to gravel to mud to gravel to marsh to MORE MARSH. It was a surprising challenge of resistance for the legs that felt similar to a hilly course. It was AWESOME. And disgusting. There, now I don't have to describe the terrain too much anymore. ;)

As for the course, the first mile only had two Overwalls followed by a hay wall. Easy peasy. We wound through the forest until the 7' wall, which I got over solo by the grace of God. My feet were not so muddy that I couldn't walk them up and do the ankle-hook technique. Next, after a long stretch of muddy marsh, we encountered Olympus. "JESUS H CHRIST" I exclaimed for what would not be the last time that day. I've been practicing Olympus skills for months, as you've read on my blog, but muddy, wet feet wouldn't help. I went to the outside lane that moved left to right, got on, maintained three points of contact, and used the holes and the chain balls to work my way across. Slowly but surely, I got all the way to the end and rang the bell. I was ECSTATIC. As far as I was concerned, the race could end right now and I'd be alright. That was the one thing I really didn't want to fail today, and I did it. This was exactly the confidence boost I needed going into mile 2.

Next obstacle, and the only obstacle in this mile, was Pipe Lair, which I'd never done before. It was easy as hell. After the 3 mile mark was Stairway to Sparta, which was made more challenging with the rock climbing holds about 7 feet up the wall. I got a boost to the holds, made my way to grabbing the top, then walked my feet up the holds until I got up and over the ladder portion. After mile 4 and a fun rocky section, we reached monkey bars, which were way easier than last week's in Chicago. Not nearly as big of gaps, and I made it through easily. More wet and gravelly back and forth before we reached Armer, which was fairly soggy but I found the driest lane and went for it. After another soggy slog through marsh we hit the 8' wall, where I needed a boost this time. Water stop and mile 5.

Next we discovered the crawl tubes, which I called "tubular!" and a group of young bros was polite enough to laugh. The tubes were full of sand and rocks, so I kept my hands in fists to protect my palms. Mile 6. Then we found Bender. I'd seen a lady on Instagram work her way backwards up the ladder like monkey bars, then get her feet on the rungs. I tried that technique and it worked great. Struggled getting over the top but I did it eventually once the volunteer reminded me to put my leg over the damn top. First time doing Bender totally by myself! Yay! Next was the sandbag carry, which had the men's sandbags labelled, but not the women's. Turns out there was no visible difference between the sandbags, and a lot of men were returning their sandbag to what was SUPPOSED to be the women's bin, because men can be idiots (sorry, fellas, you know it's true). So by the grace of the lordt [sic] I managed to get an actual women's sandbag, although other women weren't so lucky. Up and down the same steep, gravelly slopes as last year's Ohio Sprint, only this time we went up and down THREE TIMES. It felt like a half mile, literally. It was ROUGH, y'all.

After a much needed water stop, we got to the 6' wall and it was easily scaled. Next was multi-rig, and I was disappointed to see ropes on it (3 rings, bar, 2 ropes, 1 ring, bell). I've never done ropes. But I made it across the rings and the bar with ease...only to fall right off the rope. Damn. First obstacle failure of the day, right around the halfway point. Thirty burpees! If the rig had been a normal rig instead of a Beast Mode rig (meaning, if it'd had just rings and a bar) I would have gotten it fine. So at least that was a consolation. Next was Z-walls which I got through fine. Mile 7, where the Ultra people rejoined us (they had to go back to mile 7 after hitting mile 11 on their first loop). Twister! I got through the first (of three) section(s) before I had to fall down. My hands just HURT on it. This one at least had a penalty loop instead of burpees, so I joined an Ultra guy on the sandy/rocky slope for my 1/4 mile of funishment. "You're not even muddy yet," he said. "There's about a mile and a half of nasty slop coming up." Yay?

Next obstacle was supposed to be hurdles, but they were closed. (Heard later it was due to lack of volunteers?)  Mile 8. Next was The Box, an 8' wall with a short rope on it that was hard to grab the top of. I couldn't do it and I decided rather than trouble a man for a boost like everyone else, I would do the penalty lap. This was the biggest mistake of my day, dammit. That penalty loop was DIABOLICAL. It was knee-deep, thick, orange, nasty mud. With rocks and roots in it. And we had to carry a goddamn sandbag. For about 1/4 mile. FML. It was by far the worst part of the race. Super glad when it was over! Passed mile 9 and did the inverted wall, then passed by the log carry which was the other closed obstacle of the day. After mile 10 we got to the bucket, which was long (about 1/3 mile or so) and muddy as hell. It reminded me of the Attica Beast. The only thing that makes the bucket carry challenging, in my opinion, is unstable terrain like sand and mud. This was tough. I saw several people resting in the middle. It also had the first photographer of the day, so I tried to smile. Mile 11.

I feel pretty.

Next was the vertical cargo net, where a nice man gave me a boost to the platform and the tight net made the climb over easy. Another photographer here! We made our way past mile 12 and got to the festival area, where there were lots of spectators to make the atmosphere much more festive. Now was a finishing gauntlet of tons of obstacles in the last mile. Bring it on. First was a 50-yard barbed wire crawl which felt like an eternity and had a photographer at the end. We made sure we were all smiling pretty for that.

Serving you Farrah Fawcett realness.

Spear throw next, which I'd been practicing. I came so close but didn't get a stick. Thirty burpees for the second time today. Then was a dry and easy slip wall, followed by muddy, wet patches, the A-frame cargo, and more muddy patches. The rope climb is not what you want to see after strolling through mud, but I put on my dollar-store work gloves and tried my best. My hands were fine in the gloves but I couldn't lock in my feet at all. Thirty burpees. Then was Atlas carry with another photographer, which went well.

"Yup, this is my life now"

Beater was right after that, and I was nervous because I'd never done it before, but I've been working on high transitions at the ninja gym. Beater turned out to be easy and fun for me! Thankfully I am tall so I have good reach. Had three beaters in a row, the middle one high up. It wasn't tough to swing up and make the grab. Yay! Tyro traverse was next and didn't go well. Put on my gloves, but dried mud on the rope kept falling in my mouth and I was just NOT HAVING IT. Thirty burpees again, and I saw two women come into the burpee pit, do 5 squat thrusts, and leave. UGH. Cheaters. There is no place for that in the Beast. I had to do my burpees only three at a time (it was over 80 degrees and we were in direct sunlight), but I did them all and I did them properly. A man in the burpee pit was lamenting the next obstacle, Herc Hoist, and when I said I was decent at that one he said "well, you're a woman and you have some weight to you!" which was pretty hilarious. Only I would take that as a compliment! Also during these burpees I realized I'd gotten a small rip on my left hand at some point, probably recently. Oops.

Lots of people were failing the Herc Hoist by letting the bag drop. It did feel heavier than usual but I made it work. Should've worn my gloves though. This was followed by rolling mud and dunk wall, which was inflatable and about 2-3 feet across. It was scary to have to go underwater that long but I survived. Fire jump to the finish was so satisfying. Finish time of 5:35 was also satisfying, since it was 35 minutes faster than Attica on similarly difficult terrain! Got my goodies and took a shuttle back to where my car was, then I had to drive forever to find my way out of the labyrinthine parking disaster.

Yaaassss queen!

Pros:

-Terrain. So uniquely challenging. Highly recommended.
-Obstacles. The diversity was great, and that finishing gauntlet at the end means spectators have a lot to look at. I also like that the terrain itself serves as "obstacles" in the more barren parts of the race.
-Refreshments. Beer was easy to find, and we could choose between a variety of BodyArmor stuff. We got a protein bar, too!

Cons:

-Parking. It seems that the parking volunteers had not received adequate directions on what kind of cars could go through to the main lot and what kind could not. Please, Spartan, communicate better with the volunteers!
-Now I'm scared to do the Ohio Ultra next year. The terrain was great for a taste, but maybe not for a swallow?

Race Grade: B+. I really enjoyed this race, but parking was too hot of a mess to get an A.

Race Recap: Spartan Super Chicago

Spartan Super Chicago 6/1/19 Richmond, IL

Weather: 60 degrees, thunderstorms

Terrain: Extremely flat and muddy recreation area and farmland

Distance: 8 miles, 28 obstacles

This was not a typical race, so this will not be a typical recap. I will start and end with timelines.

7:15 AM: Arrived at venue, got on bus from parking lot to festival.
7:30 AM: Arrived at festival. Lightning in the area, have to stay on the bus.
8:30 AM: They let us off the bus to pee.
8:45 AM: They are evacuating the festival area, so we have to go back to the parking lot.
9 AM: Wait in car.
9:30 AM: All clear to get on buses back to the festival! Problem: there are now a thousand people in line for buses.
9:45 AM: I decide there is a zero percent chance that I will get to start racing before noon, and go back to the hotel.
1:20 PM: Weather looks pretty good and I feel guilty, so I go back to the parking lot, jog to a bus, jog to registration, jog to bag check, jog to a port-a-john, and jog to the start corral BARELY in time to run through with the 2:30 PM heat.

The race started with some crazy mud that reminded me of last year, but it wasn't nearly as bad as last year because there were dry patches. Got through overwall, then needed a boost on the 6' wall because my muddy shoes could not get up there. Monkey bars were the toughest I've ever seen. One of the gaps was at least 4 feet and it took me 6 swings to get enough momentum to reach out. Lots of folks failed this one but I rang the bell! Next was a water stop at mile 1, where the volunteer told me that weather was coming. I moved on to Atlas Carry, then ran a ways to the sandbag carry. Next was the vertical cargo net, where the volunteers told us to NOT climb the net, and instead keep going to the next water stop just before mile 2.

3:03 PM: Started waiting at water stop. Hung out with a group of awesome superheroes. Literally. Gave one of them Biofreeze for his knee.
3:45 PM: Told that we might be allowed to finish a shorter course of the race if we move a bit down the road. We do.
4 PM: Told that we are going back to the festival area but the race is NOT CANCELLED.
4:10 PM: Told that the race is definitely cancelled and we need to GTFO of here RIGHT THE HELL NOW.
4:20 PM: Standing in a mass of a thousand people in an open field waiting for shuttle buses back to the parking lot. Pelted with rain and 1/4-inch hail in 30 mph winds as lightning and thunder booms all around us. I embrace a hypothermic shirtless man to keep him alive. After five minutes of cuddling, I introduce myself.
4:50 PM: Rain clears up. Spartan race official arrives with mylar blankets.
5:20 PM: We finally get on a bus and are taken back to the parking lot, where I find that my vehicle is now in 4 inches of water. Thankfully I have all-wheel drive.

I will say this for Spartan: they did a much better job communicating the delays this time than at the Minnesota Sprint last year. However, there were still issues. There was a lot of tittle-tattle about how long the open waves would be delayed, with the general consensus being 3 hours. Nothing was confirmed by Spartan about the open wave times. As it turns out, even if I'd stayed in the morning and gotten out in the earliest open wave, I would have had to run the race of my life to finish before the afternoon evacuation. Fortunately, Spartan was on the ball and sent out an email telling people they would get a free credit for another Super. I'll be using it for the Fort Carson Super in Colorado Springs on July 13.

Pros:

-Bus driver in the morning was awesome. She seemed just as annoyed as the rest of us and tried to make it a good experience.
-The two miles of course that I managed to get out on were just lovely.

Cons:

-Venue. I hate when they make parking super far away from the venue. Get a venue where this isn't necessary.
-Mud. The mud that was there was too damn sticky, honestly. I don't mind mud, but I don't like mud where you actually get STUCK and can LOSE A SHOE. That is too much.
-Communication. Spartan needs to find a better way of communicating with their volunteers. The volunteers are kept extremely ignorant and it helps no one.

Race Grade: Incomplete. Honestly, maybe an E for effort. But the remote parking location makes the logistics of bad weather in this race so dangerous that I may not do this venue again. Change venues, Spartan!