Ten People You See At Every Race

When you do enough races of various types, you will start to notice patterns. The same people show up for every race. (If you're doing local races, this is literal. Otherwise, figurative.) Let's get into the ten main types that you will see at every race you ever do.

1) Lithe Man In Tiny Shorts

This guy is really hard to miss. He is always lined up on the start line. He is always about 5'11", 140 lb. And he is ALWAYS wearing the TINIEST SHORTS you have ever seen in your life. These are the shorts where a slight gust of wind could get him arrested. He will definitely make the podium in this race.

2) Women In Tutus

These ladies always travel in groups of two to four. Their tutus will match. They will be giggling. They may be wearing glittery eyeshadow for no good reason. But dammit, they're here for a good time, not for a fast time.

3) Old Guy Walking Super Fast

As a back-of-the-packer, I have seen this guy a billion times. No matter how fast you walk, he is walking faster. He has probably been racewalking for five decades. He is a damn Terminator. He will walk your ass into the ground. He will pass runners, and those runners will be furious. He is the Fast Old Guy. Don't sleep on the Fast Old Guy. He'll get you every time.

4) Total n00b

Easy to spot, they're usually found wearing the race shirt they got last night at packet pickup, and their bib is pinned to their back, not their front. They're probably dressed way too warmly for the weather, and they definitely look nervous. If they line up way too far forward, direct them to the proper location. And for heaven's sake, tell them to put their bibs in front.

5) Fat Woman Kicking Ass

Every race of every distance has at least one fat woman kicking ass. She might not be lightning fast, but by god she is working it. She did not come to this race to screw around like the tutu chicks. This woman is an inspiration to us all and we should all strive to be like her.

6) Person Who Warms Up Way Too Much

If you arrive an hour before race start and see a guy jogging and doing dynamic stretches, you know who I'm talking about. He tends to have way too much nervous energy and decides to waste it pre-race. Sometimes his warm-up is longer than the race itself. As Aaron Rodgers would say, R-E-L-A-X, Warm-Up Guy.

7) Puking Guy

This guy is a mainstay at any race half marathon or longer. He will usually start the puking at roughly mile 10. He never gives up. He may even run WHILE puking. This guy is also inspiring. He is the reason I bring Pepto chews with me when I race. (Alert: sometimes it's Puking Gal instead.)

8) Pack Mule

He or she always has a LOT going on with their fuel belt. They usually have one of those belts with a bunch of different bottles, each with a different ratio of Gatorade to water. They have salt tabs. They have energy gels. They have Clif bars. They have four different medications. They have a map of the town they're in. This is all overkill for a 5K.

9) Enthusiastic Child

The overly enthusiastic child is everywhere in the 5K distance (occasionally 10K, but they're a bit older). This kid wants to beat you. Yes, YOU. You specifically. Once you pass them, they'll take off like a bottle rocket, then when you catch up to them they'll repeat the cycle. Their parents have allowed them to run this race because they are hoping it'll tire the kid out enough to need a nap. If you have enough patience, you can beat them, because they are terrible pacers and can no longer keep up the sprint intervals after mile 2.

10) Grizzled Veteran

This person can be spotted by their zen-like demeanor and their "Fifty States Marathon Club" singlet. They wear a fuel belt that has clearly taken years of abuse. They know exactly what to do. They don't even need aid stations, so they never wonder when the next one is. They're usually mid- to back-of-pack and they don't care. Nothing to prove at this point when you've done 126 marathons and 200+ halfs. Ask these folks for advice and stories. They'll tell you some doozies. "I saw a guy get hit by a car during the Ironman bike leg, he just got back on the bike and KEPT GOING." "One time I did an ultra with no carbs and started hallucinating Care Bears at mile 34." "My friend got his leg caught in a woodchipper during a Color Run."