Spartan Beast and Sprint Midwest 9/18-19/21 Attica, IN
Weather: 90 degrees, sunny
Terrain: Sand (several types), forest, creeks
Distance: Beast advertised as 13.2, Sprint as 3.65
Garmin Data Beast: 14.15 miles, 859' gain
Garmin Data Sprint: 3.91 miles, 256' gain
Course map
I was enormously looking forward to my triumphant return to Attica for the Beast and (two loops of) the Sprint. I ended up only doing one loop of the Sprint, but that's getting ahead of myself. Arrived at the venue on Saturday's Beast race day and saw that the festival was set up in its 2019 location, which is good. But the parking was positioned further away in an auxiliary field a bit of a walk from the entrance. It took about five minutes to get to the registration tent, which had a massive line. Turned out very few volunteers had showed up and this caused quite a bottleneck first thing in the morning. Thankfully the line moved surprisingly quickly and the race staff did a good job of making up for their late Elite start, running the Open waves right on time. Bag check was easy and bathrooms were plentiful. The 9 AM wave went off without a hitch.
Started off in the woods, then came down a rocky hill to the first obstacle, a Hurdle. Easy "flop and turn," then continued on to the 7' wall, and then later the 8' wall. I managed to get over both without assistance, although it took me three attempts to jump up and grab the top of the 8' wall. Pipe Lair came shortly after mile 2, solidly in the "giant sand dunes" part of the course (hint: this was most of the course). It was not even 10 AM and the heat was already feeling pretty outrageous. The high for the day was in the high 80s, but with a bit of humidity, not much shade or breeze, and the sand reflecting even more heat at us, it felt dang near 100 degrees by mid-day. After Pipe Lair I went to get my second cookie - my refuel plan was one cookie every 30 minutes - but half of it broke off and fell on the ground. Five-second rule, I decided. If this were not bone-dry sand, I would have left those calories behind.
Lots of up and down steep sandy hills. This would continue all day. Around mile 4 we hit Olympus, which was just as impossible as usual. It was in Beast mode (meaning no balls on the chains). I failed immediately and hit up the penalty loop, which replaced burpees at this obstacle. I was thrilled, because the penalty loop only took me two minutes to walk (up and down yet another sand dune). We re-entered the woods which was delightfully shaded, and strolled through a creek and the "water crossing" obstacle, which was a giant tunnel that resembled the film It. We all float down here.
Meeting up with where the Sprint would be on Sunday, we did a single overwall, then entered the big field by the festival area after mile 5. Spectators livened the place up, and the kid's race area was to our left. I went over the 6' wall, then went to the portajohn in the kid's area, which was empty. Back onto the course for the A-frame cargo net, which was immediately followed by monkey bars. I was pleased to see that the bars were completely dry and not sticky whatsoever, so I breezed through them quite smoothly. There were a few decent gaps but I've done so much "big gap" training that it wasn't scary. One less obstacle to worry about!
Leaving the festival area and back to dune country, there was the inverted wall, which was already quite hot. Took off my hydration backpack so I wouldn't feel like a flipped-over turtle, and that helped immensely with getting over the top by myself. Came up a big hill at around mile 6 to the rope climb, which also had a penalty loop. I put on my brand new Miracle Gro wet/dry gardening grip gloves which cost me $5 at Menards, and boy howdy do those things GRIP. There could have been Astroglide on that rope and I would have cleared it. No penalty loop for me! And I have found my new favorite gloves.
Down the dune to the sandbag carry, and the sandbag felt extremely heavy (at least 10-15 lb heavier than usual). Gritted my teeth and went up and down the dune with my heart rate well into the 180s. Thankfully I did not faint or vomit, but I did need a second at the water stop right afterward before proceeding through a giant puddle to the barbed wire crawl! Which was uphill through sand! This was all feeling quite familiar, and I realized that basically the last several obstacles were a total replay of the 2019 Sprint! Which is fine with me, because I enjoyed that race. But this crawl was as brutal as ever. This crawl is a big part of why I do not wear shorts, even when it's extremely hot outside.
Oh hell no.
Once we got through that, there was limited time to recover before Z-walls at the tippy top of the dune. I chose a lane and dove right in without considering my foot placement, which was a massive mistake. I ended up in the worst position before the blind corner. Somehow I got around it without slipping off. It was a miracle. And I was now, allegedly, halfway through the Beast! If the map was accurate! (Spoiler: it was not accurate.) I sat on a rock and cleared sand out of my shoes to celebrate.
Atlas Carry was pretty easy, since the ground was hard. Past mile 8 was The Box, which was impossible as usual (but this time had a penalty loop, at least). I accepted a boost from a nice lady and helped her up from the top, then we walked together chatting until the next obstacle. Along the way was a water stop with no volunteers. It had run out of water, but had a big reserve of it nearby, so Spartans were refilling the bottles for folks. That's the spirit! Got some and continued to Tyro traverse, which I have famously NEVER been able to clear. But I've been practicing in my backyard. I got on the rope and immediately got a cramp in my right calf. Go figure. Waited for it to subside, then started moving as fast as I could. Walked my hands and my feet. Move move move. Go go go. I could see the bell. Then I could ring the bell. Came down cheering and got a fist bump from the volunteer before laying on the ground in sheer excitement. My new friend failed so I kept moving forward.
Twister was next, and tragically my grip was sort of shot and I chose the wrong lane (the scaffolding between the three sections didn't line up well with the lane I was on), so I failed at the end of the first section. Found a bit of shade and did thirty slow burpees. My new friend offered to do some for me (she failed too but many folks were past the point of being able to do any more burpees, LOL) but I declined and she moved ahead. I at least wanted to do this one set by myself. I knew the heat was starting to get to me and I'd be lucky if I could do any more burpees at all today.
Bender was up next, past mile 10, on top of another dune. Everyone was clustered on the right side, so I went to the wide-open left side and climbed up and over with no wait. After coming down I realized: everyone was on the right side because there was a photographer, who was seemingly only focused on that half of the obstacle. Sure enough, THIS is the closest I got to getting a photo on Bender (squint a little, people):
Officer, I'd like to report a ROBBERY
But as we say in Sparta, "shit happens." I continued to Armer, where I asked the volunteer how many "balls" puns she's heard today, and she said "TOO many." When I was finishing my waddle, she told me I looked sexy doing it. Moi? Do go on. It was my first on-course flirtation during this event, and at mile 11, or 12, or whatever the hell it was, I needed it. Beater arrived and I was thrilled to clear it yet again. I am undefeated on Beater! And there was only one overhead grip obstacle left. Also at this point in the race I was passed by a woman in an extremely sexy costume, which I complimented. It was basically a bra and panty set that was sheer in the back and these thigh-high fur boots. It wasn't what you'd normally think of when you think "obstacle race attire," but her photos probably look great.
At the top of another dune (drink!) loomed Stairway to Sparta. The penalty loop looked brutal so I accepted help from a strong dude. In related news, I hate that stupid slippery surface. So much. Next was the bucket carry which I had been dreading. We had just passed Spartan's 11-mile sign, which was mile 12.5 on my watch, and I was totally exhausted from the relentless heat. I didn't know if I'd be able to do this bucket, with the sandbag going so poorly. But the bucket felt easier than the sandbag somehow, and I managed to gut it out.
Behold, the fakest smile ever
Came out near the 2018 parking lots through the usual three enormous puddles in that sand field (a guy near me said "we could have done with just ONE puddle") and ended up at Helix. Which is an obstacle that I do not understand. I don't know what parts I'm supposed to touch and not touch. I got on with my right side leading and it went very poorly. I touched the ground at least twice. But I could barely think straight so I just continued on. Up the big-ass hill (which one? LOL) to the multi-rig, which - surprise! - had three big thick knotless ropes after the bar. I sat next to a couple women, one of whom said she felt nauseous (she refused my offer of chewable Pepto), and the non-nauseous woman said the bar was so hot it burned her hands. Considering this information, I got up, strode confidently to the first ring, and swung off it to take the L. I knew I would fail the ropes and there was no point in charring my hands before falling off anyway. Went to the burpee pit which was conspicuously empty because at this point NOBODY could do freakin' burpees anymore, like are you shitting us, Spartan? The volunteer was like "yeah, if you must, you can do 15 burpees, otherwise just go." I did 30 situps. Burpees were not happening.
Past the rig was vertical cargo with the platform, and the women's platform seemed about 6 inches higher than it should have been. I still managed to flop and turn with a bit of extra difficulty, then got up and over the net. Down another hill to the dunk wall, which was tarp-lined, shallow, and extremely refreshing. On a hot day, nothing beats a relatively clean dunk wall. Don't get me wrong, the water was still opaque, but there were no chunks of stuff in it, at least. This was immediately followed by the slip wall, which had short ropes. The volunteer told me to run fast and not to grab the rope by the tip, because it was slippery. Which, of course, I had to make jokes about. Then I ran at it slowly, to gauge how slippery the wall was, and it wasn't bad despite being covered with wet sand. So I ran faster on the second attempt, made it onto the rope, then made it up without incident. Coming down I got wet sand all over my hands, so it was good that all the grip obstacles were done.
Up one last big hill back to the festival area for the finishing gauntlet, which again matched 2019 exactly: spear throw, herc hoist, and fire jump. I approached the spear, pulled the stuck one out, aimed, fired...and missed to the right by 4-5 inches. Dammit! Went to the burpee pit and started doing situps when I heard Wes yelling my name from the sidelines. He said "you missed your spear! You know what that means!" And of course, he'd hit his spear. Only one of us is allowed to clear the spear in any given race. It's a curse. After my thirty situps, I did the herc hoist quickly and easily (I saw two people fail it, which was very surprising, but they may have been exhausted), then jumped over the fire to finish in around 5:41.
Do I look energetic? I was trying REALLY HARD
After the finish line they had the photographer BEFORE the medal handout. They'd put the medals way back by the shirts. A bizarre choice and I hate it. I backtracked to get my pic. Hopefully that was just an error for this event and not a new configuration for all races. Got my shirt and medal, got my 2x trifecta medal at the results tent, hosed off, and headed back to the hotel to try and eat an entire pizza.
I had to save the last slice for breakfast
Is that...Bigfoot behind us?
On Sunday I woke up feeling fairly sore, but no matter. I figured I could at least do one lap of the sprint, probably not two. Packed up my stuff and drove to the venue, where the check-in line was way shorter than Saturday. Found Wes and we started together in the 9 AM wave. Today was all about finishing as a team! I even brought my phone so we could take videos of each other on the obstacles.
Started off again with the Hurdle, then we cut off some of the Beast course and went straight to the overwall. Then out into the festival area at around mile 1.5 for the 6' wall (no assistance required, naturally), then the A-frame cargo which was somehow EVEN LOOSER than the previous day. This was the loosest net I've ever seen. It was so loose that it was difficult to summit because the net shifted so violently from one side to the other. A woman was freaking out at the apex and I don't blame her. Yikes.
Got down without dying and went to the monkey bars, which we filmed. We both did great! Thankfully the bars stayed dry both days. My theory: nobody was sweating anymore because it was so hot we were all permanently dehydrated, or we were storing the water deep inside like cacti. Went down to inverted wall, then to rope climb which went off without a hitch for both of us. The sandbag somehow felt WAY easier than the day before. The bag was a normal weight. Maybe I just got unlucky during the Beast.
Back to the barbed wire crawl, which was more brutal than Saturday. The sand had shifted in such a way that we were crawling more on packed, rock-like sand than deep, loose sand. It was absolute murder on the hands, arms and legs. I honestly don't know how people in shorts did it. Never, ever wear shorts to a Spartan race, was the lesson I hope others take from this.
This sand is my only reality
Z-walls went better because I planned my route for my feet and did the blind corner first instead of second. Then we skipped even more of the Beast course and went directly to the bucket carry, which felt somehow worse than it had the day before. What's with these heavy carries being so random? Wes had to wait for me and was like "let's get a picture together!" then he was like "what pose should we do" and I said "ONE WHERE WE DO NOT STOP WALKING." The photographer laughed at me. I hoped the picture would capture the general tone of the moment.
Nailed it.
Through the giant puddles again to Helix. I was fully prepared to cheat my way through Helix again. Got into a lane with my left side leading this time, then started across. And holy guacamole, I was getting it. It was clicking. I wasn't grabbing illegal parts. I could make it through the gaps with a side split. "Wes! I think I'm doing it right!" I called out. That caught the attention of the photographer, who I hadn't realized was there, and he came over and was snapping photos of me left and right. I continued through, trying to pose and having a blast. I imagine this is how Kate Moss feels all the time.
Scroll quickly for the flipbook GIF
After that enormous success, I felt rejuvenated for the walk up the giant hill to the multi-rig, which blessedly only had rings today. Easy clear for me and Wes. Vertical cargo had no platform and was a very tight net, so that was easy too. Then dunk wall (again: refreshing), and slip wall with longer ropes. This was going great! I can't wait to tell my grandchildren about this race someday!
But we both knew the spear throw was coming. As we climbed that last terrible, long hill back to the festival area, we decided that Wes should go second, because if I hit my spear, he would be better able to handle the pressure of "breaking the curse," which was our number one priority for the day. We would not let the sun go down on this dreadful curse. We would BOTH hit that damn spear. I handed Wes the camera. I grabbed the spear and rope in my hand. Aimed. Threw as football-like as possible straight at the target. And stuck it. Left of center, but still. "THANK GOD!" I yelled. Caught on tape. I took the phone so I could record Wes. He threw. And MISSED. Are you kidding me?! We were both aghast. Until that moment, I hadn't really believed in curses. I thought it was just an insane coincidence. But then Wes did something that cemented my belief in The Curse. He tried again. And missed again. Then he tried a third time. And missed. This was too much. A man who is this good at the spear throw, missing three times in a row? It must be because I had hit it. Crazy.
After Wes's penalty, we both banged out herc hoist and crossed the fire in about 1:45 or so. My third clean race, and almost Wes's first clean race. I got cleaned up as best I could in the now-only-trickling hose wash and left, while Wes stayed to do another lap of the Sprint. He hit his spear that time.
ATTICA!!!
Pros:
-Awesome use of very diverse terrain. So unique, especially in the Midwest.
-Obstacles had the best spacing of any race I've ever done.
-Four penalty loops! More of these, please!
-Photographer at Bender. Good to mix it up. But next time take my picture!
Cons:
-Parking not as convenient as 2019.
-Don't like the "medals after the finisher photo" set-up. Requires backtracking.
-Finisher food/drink spread a bit sparse (wanted BodyArmor or at least some canned/bottled water).
Race Grade: A-. An excellent challenge.
