Unboxing Beat the Blerch Virtual Kit

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYV5jUbkm18

Received the rest of my Beat the Blerch kit! Just in time for what is supposed to be the official race weekend. I did it a little early this year. But this race has great swag, so check it out!

Race Recap: Spartan Beast Iowa

Spartan Beast Iowa 8/29/20 Cedar Falls, IA

Weather: 75 degrees and sunny

Terrain: Suburban backyard and sidewalks

Distance: 13.1 miles with 30 obstacles
Elevation Gain: 594 feet

I've been dying to write a proper race recap since quarantine began. Since that is not going to happen until 2021 (knock on wood), I've decided to write this recap for my last Spartan Virtual Beast, since the virtual race season is ending. Enjoy this dynamic recap of a thrilling race.

I arrived at the venue quite quickly, since it was my own backyard. Logistics were fairly smooth to check in and get ready, although I did have to haul my bucket, sandbag, and spear to their proper positions on the course. Looking at the nonexistent course map, I knew there'd be three large running segments, with most of the obstacles being in big clumps. This definitely seemed like sheer laziness on the part of the race director.

Started off running towards the local schools for the first gauntlet of obstacles. Did the Fence Hop over a four-footer chain link past a group of tween girls finishing some sort of powder puff football practice. They were in awe of my majesty. Continued on to the Pole Scale at the elementary playground, then taxing the grip on the Parallel Bar Traverse (out and back - those reversals are tricky). Vertical Cargo, then I ran back around the school for a trip across Nolympus (lateral fence traverse), then the Tire Flip next to the now-empty football field. I was hoping the powder puff girls would be there to witness me flip a 400-lb tire, but alas. Followed the sand track and ran back to the playground for the Bridge Scale, which is like Bender only more crotch-destroying, followed by the Grip Slider obstacle out and back. The Broken Bridge, kind of like a poor man's PIpe Lair, was next, then I ran down a grassy knoll to the Yellow Squiggle obstacle. It was on the Yellow Squiggle that a spectator (a passing middle-aged man) yelled out to me that I was doing a great job.

I continued down the sidewalk to start my first large running segment, which was a real glamorous tour of the wealthy neighborhoods that I do not live in (but live sort of near). The course included many fascinating sights, including Million Dollar Home (owned by the local car-dealership magnate), Enormous Trump Sign on a Vacant Lot ("We Swear, This Time We WILL Make America Great Again!"), and Huge Motorcycle Convention to Nearby Bar. At around mile 6 I reached my backyard for the next gauntlet of obstacles. The Overwalls over the top of my deck went well, followed by Twister, also known as sideways monkey bars. I'd had plenty of time to rest my grip on that 5-mile run. Sandbag carry went around my house with minimal elevation change, then the rope climb up to my top deck (I used my rope gloves as usual). Now was the dreaded spear throw. Took a deep breath and nailed it! I knew I'd run a clean race now!

My newest obstacle, the Inverted Bouldering Wall, was easy enough, followed by the wall climb up to the top deck. I had rearranged my adjustable monkey bars into a facsimile of Beater, which was short and easy. The bars were kind of rusty, though. Spartan should look into that. Bucket carry was next, followed by a low crawl through my backyard that usually makes my neighbors wonder if I lost a contact lens, but today the neighbors were nowhere in sight. Off I went on another long run segment! This time I took off straight north towards the hilly and shaded neighborhoods. This is always an enjoyable part of this venue. Saw a few other spectators out this way, including a group of 8-year-olds who didn't know what the hell they were looking at.

Looped back around to the backyard at around mile 10 for another long gauntlet of obstacles. First was the Herc Hoist, wherein I laid on the ground and hoisted myself up to standing with the rope-climb rope. It was adequate. These obstacles all felt like miniature versions of the real Spartan obstacles. Perhaps the race director should invest in a pulley. Next was monkey bars, followed by my new Olympus, which is extremely slippery. I'm still not up to the Hard Mode for that one yet, but I crossed it on Easy Mode (with small footholds at the bottom). Next was Bender, which is the exact same thing as the wall climb only without using a vertical board. The Atlas Carry, done with an 80-lb bucket on the ground, was ghetto fabulous. This was followed by the multi-rig, followed by a Balance Beam and the Log Carry (the log was unsatisfactory - very scratchy indeed).

Time for the last run segment! For this one I followed the sidewalks out to a nearby park where two obstacles awaited. One was a cargo chain climb, and the other was a set of curving monkey bars. After crushing these two obstacles (ahem, on a playground meant for children, ahem), I jogged triumphantly through another nice neighborhood before reaching the finish line in front of my house, leaping half-heartedly over invisible fire. It was a big virtual Beast PR for me, which is great! The finish line spread had Gatorade Zero and, after some preparation, macaroni and cheese.

Pros:

-Logistics. The entire course was steps from my front door.
-Obstacles played to my strengths, as they were all totally chosen and curated by me.
-Course was hilly enough to be interesting, but not so hilly as to make me regret my life choices.

-Somehow I won first place overall?! ERMAHGERD.

Cons:

-Gauntlets of many obstacles at once feel strange compared to other Spartan races I've done.

-That Olympus was NOT regulation.

-Could have used more volunteers.

Race Grade: B+. The race director did the best they could under the circumstances, but I would not be heartbroken if this course was removed from the 2021 Spartan schedule.

Race Recap: Beat the Blerch Virtual Marathon

 Beat the Blerch Virtual Marathon 9/12/20 Cedar Falls, IA

Weather: 60 degrees, overcast/drizzling

Terrain: Recreation trails and some sidewalks

Distance: 26.2 miles

I purchased the Beat the Blerch virtual race kit for $50 and was excited to do another virtual half marathon. Then I thought, two weeks ago, "why not do a FULL?" I couldn't think of a good reason to do the full, but I couldn't think of a better reason NOT to. So I was in. I told nobody about this plan. I didn't want to have to backpedal in case of failure or quitting. But I saw that after days of rain, the weather today was going to be my absolute favorite road-race weather conditions (stable 60 degrees and drizzling), and I felt good, so I went for it. Full marathon, for the first time since 2012. And now I have GPS to confirm it. 

My thoughts throughout the race:

Mile 1: I feel amazing! I could do this all day!

Mile 4: Ugh, that house has so many terrible political signs. (flips double-bird that no one sees)

Mile 6: Oh god, my foot hurts with a searing pain in my toes. This has happened before, it usually goes away within ten minutes.

Mile 7: It went away!

Mile 10: My hip abductors are cramping. Uh oh.

Mile 12: Perhaps I should take these electrolyte tablets I brought.

Mile 14: The electrolytes aren't totally helping. Never fear, I can walk more.

Mile 16: There is a guy out here already wasted-drunk at noon scream-slurring to his friend that he "NEEDS A FUCKING UMBRELLA FOR THIS WEDDING" he's going to.

Mile 17: I can no longer run at all. Walking it is.

Mile 20: I can no longer properly walk. Staggering it is.

Mile 21: Holy shit, SOMEONE at this giant outdoor picnic I'm staggering past is coughing like Patient Zero, why the hell isn't anyone SAYING ANYTHING?!

Mile 22: Let's try to jog again! (1 second later) STOP STOP MY LEFT KNEE MIGHT EXPLODE

Mile 23: People are looking at me. Like, really looking at me. Trying to make sure I'm okay, physically and mentally.

Mile 24: I am just aware enough of my surroundings to avoid being hit by a car, but I am otherwise pretty out of it.

Mile 25: MY BODY IS FUBAR

Mile 26: My staggering is down to over a 17-minute pace, god let this end.

Mile 26.22: I AM DONE! GLORY HALLELUJAH! Now to check on the state of my blisters, which feel tremendous.

It's really too bad that my hips didn't cooperate because I felt like I had plenty of energy for a PR effort. In the end, I finished in about 6:21, which is my second-best (of 6) marathon finish times. I may never do a full marathon again. I find the distance "too far to be fun." But this one felt pretty good to finish. It took a regular screwed-up race season and made it a little bit special.

Pros:

-Shirt. It's the only piece of swag I've received so far, but it's a fantastic shirt.

-Hardly anyone out, because rain keeps (foolish) people away.

-At no point did I seriously consider quitting.

Cons:

-Rest of kit hadn't arrived because I am too impatient to wait for the official "race weekend." EDITED: kit arrived 9/23, check out my unboxing video!

-That weird bad neighborhood at mile 16 that had actual drunks way earlier than you'd expect.

-2020. This whole year is just one big con.

Race Grade: A-. Love the swag, loved the weather. Don't enjoy the marathon distance, but I certainly feel accomplished!

You Might Be an Endurance Athlete If...

In the grand tradition of Jeff Foxworthy, I've come up with some ways for people to tell whether they might be an endurance athlete.

If you've ever looked at your toenails and thought, "when did THAT happen?", you might be an endurance athlete.

If you've ever gotten into the shower and had your chafed skin burn like a transitional-labor contraction, you might be an endurance athlete.

If your biggest concern on a super-hot weather run is that you could poop your pants, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you own the same shorts in ten different colors because they "don't rub wrong," you might be an endurance athlete.

If the idea of losing your race shoes in your airplane luggage makes you full-on panic, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you've been so afraid of losing your race shoes on a plane that you make room for them in your carry-on, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you are more afraid of losing your race shoes than you are of losing your MEDICATION, you might be an endurance athlete.

If your foot has ever bled for no reason, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you've had blisters that are enormous and an ass that isn't, you might be an endurance athlete.

If every t-shirt you own has sponsors on the back, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you've seriously contemplated how many miles you could travel on bicycle in the zombie apocalypse, and that number ends with multiple zeros, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you have a favorite skin lubricant and it ain't sexual, you might be an endurance athlete.

If there is nothing funny about Gold Bond medicated powder, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you have ever taken a Tums before a workout and called it "pre-gaming," you might be an endurance athlete.

If carb-loading is not an event but a LIFESTYLE, you might be an endurance athlete.

If you have ever put additional salt on Hamburger Helper, you might be an endurance athlete.

If a glass of plain, nonfat milk has ever "really hit the spot," you might be an endurance athlete.

If you have a permanent tan line from a racerback top, you might be an endurance athlete.

If your bedtime routine involves foam rollers, Graston scrapers, and massage guns, you might be an endurance athlete.

If your mother has ever sincerely pleaded with you to quit a marathon for your own safety, you might be an endurance athlete.

And last but not least, if you have ever run in tight circles around a crowded parking lot to add extra distance to your Garmin because an uneven number is unacceptable, you might be an endurance athlete.