Race Recap: Spartan Beast Iowa

Spartan Beast Iowa 8/29/20 Cedar Falls, IA

Weather: 75 degrees and sunny

Terrain: Suburban backyard and sidewalks

Distance: 13.1 miles with 30 obstacles
Elevation Gain: 594 feet

I've been dying to write a proper race recap since quarantine began. Since that is not going to happen until 2021 (knock on wood), I've decided to write this recap for my last Spartan Virtual Beast, since the virtual race season is ending. Enjoy this dynamic recap of a thrilling race.

I arrived at the venue quite quickly, since it was my own backyard. Logistics were fairly smooth to check in and get ready, although I did have to haul my bucket, sandbag, and spear to their proper positions on the course. Looking at the nonexistent course map, I knew there'd be three large running segments, with most of the obstacles being in big clumps. This definitely seemed like sheer laziness on the part of the race director.

Started off running towards the local schools for the first gauntlet of obstacles. Did the Fence Hop over a four-footer chain link past a group of tween girls finishing some sort of powder puff football practice. They were in awe of my majesty. Continued on to the Pole Scale at the elementary playground, then taxing the grip on the Parallel Bar Traverse (out and back - those reversals are tricky). Vertical Cargo, then I ran back around the school for a trip across Nolympus (lateral fence traverse), then the Tire Flip next to the now-empty football field. I was hoping the powder puff girls would be there to witness me flip a 400-lb tire, but alas. Followed the sand track and ran back to the playground for the Bridge Scale, which is like Bender only more crotch-destroying, followed by the Grip Slider obstacle out and back. The Broken Bridge, kind of like a poor man's PIpe Lair, was next, then I ran down a grassy knoll to the Yellow Squiggle obstacle. It was on the Yellow Squiggle that a spectator (a passing middle-aged man) yelled out to me that I was doing a great job.

I continued down the sidewalk to start my first large running segment, which was a real glamorous tour of the wealthy neighborhoods that I do not live in (but live sort of near). The course included many fascinating sights, including Million Dollar Home (owned by the local car-dealership magnate), Enormous Trump Sign on a Vacant Lot ("We Swear, This Time We WILL Make America Great Again!"), and Huge Motorcycle Convention to Nearby Bar. At around mile 6 I reached my backyard for the next gauntlet of obstacles. The Overwalls over the top of my deck went well, followed by Twister, also known as sideways monkey bars. I'd had plenty of time to rest my grip on that 5-mile run. Sandbag carry went around my house with minimal elevation change, then the rope climb up to my top deck (I used my rope gloves as usual). Now was the dreaded spear throw. Took a deep breath and nailed it! I knew I'd run a clean race now!

My newest obstacle, the Inverted Bouldering Wall, was easy enough, followed by the wall climb up to the top deck. I had rearranged my adjustable monkey bars into a facsimile of Beater, which was short and easy. The bars were kind of rusty, though. Spartan should look into that. Bucket carry was next, followed by a low crawl through my backyard that usually makes my neighbors wonder if I lost a contact lens, but today the neighbors were nowhere in sight. Off I went on another long run segment! This time I took off straight north towards the hilly and shaded neighborhoods. This is always an enjoyable part of this venue. Saw a few other spectators out this way, including a group of 8-year-olds who didn't know what the hell they were looking at.

Looped back around to the backyard at around mile 10 for another long gauntlet of obstacles. First was the Herc Hoist, wherein I laid on the ground and hoisted myself up to standing with the rope-climb rope. It was adequate. These obstacles all felt like miniature versions of the real Spartan obstacles. Perhaps the race director should invest in a pulley. Next was monkey bars, followed by my new Olympus, which is extremely slippery. I'm still not up to the Hard Mode for that one yet, but I crossed it on Easy Mode (with small footholds at the bottom). Next was Bender, which is the exact same thing as the wall climb only without using a vertical board. The Atlas Carry, done with an 80-lb bucket on the ground, was ghetto fabulous. This was followed by the multi-rig, followed by a Balance Beam and the Log Carry (the log was unsatisfactory - very scratchy indeed).

Time for the last run segment! For this one I followed the sidewalks out to a nearby park where two obstacles awaited. One was a cargo chain climb, and the other was a set of curving monkey bars. After crushing these two obstacles (ahem, on a playground meant for children, ahem), I jogged triumphantly through another nice neighborhood before reaching the finish line in front of my house, leaping half-heartedly over invisible fire. It was a big virtual Beast PR for me, which is great! The finish line spread had Gatorade Zero and, after some preparation, macaroni and cheese.

Pros:

-Logistics. The entire course was steps from my front door.
-Obstacles played to my strengths, as they were all totally chosen and curated by me.
-Course was hilly enough to be interesting, but not so hilly as to make me regret my life choices.

-Somehow I won first place overall?! ERMAHGERD.

Cons:

-Gauntlets of many obstacles at once feel strange compared to other Spartan races I've done.

-That Olympus was NOT regulation.

-Could have used more volunteers.

Race Grade: B+. The race director did the best they could under the circumstances, but I would not be heartbroken if this course was removed from the 2021 Spartan schedule.