Race Recap: 2017 Hungry Turkey Half Marathon

Hungry Turkey Half Marathon (Des Moines) Race Report

When: Saturday, November 25, 2017

Where: Des Moines, IA

Weather: 40s, up to low 50s

Division: Open

This was my second year in a row doing the Hungry Turkey Half Marathon, but they totally changed the location and course this year, so I was interested to see how it would differ from the Des Moines Half Marathon I did last month. The start lines are mere blocks apart. Got myself a sweet suite at the Embassy Suites, which was an easy half-block walk from the start line of the Hungry Turkey. Arrived at 8:55 AM for the 9 AM start, which ended up being the 9:05 start. Tough when it’s not super warm out, but the weather was about as amazing as you can hope for in Iowa in late November. Low 40s to start, sunny, and not windy (10 MPH tops).

Unfortunately, my fellow walkers totally sucked in the first mile (before the half and 5K split). I got stuck surrounded by very slow 5K walkers, which is fine and expected. What I didn’t expect was that I would still be catching very slow 5K walkers for the entire first mile of the course. The BALLS on these folks. They had to have started on the damn line! Who DOES that? The first rule of walking a race: start at the back, fools. Anyway, I was dodging a lot of ignorant people for a mile. Once we split, I was basically alone, which was amazing.

In fact, this entire course was amazing. It was mostly on paved recreation trails, which is my favorite walking surface in general. And it was mostly through parks, giving a scenic, somewhat secluded setting for a lovely walk on a lovely day. The trails were open to the public, so we got to see cyclists and joggers and such enjoying their day. It is hard to feel sorry for yourself in a race when you see a dude with an artificial leg (and a brace on the other leg) hobbling around the park for exercise. Re: the course, like the Des Moines Half Marathon (DMHM), it takes you around Gray’s Lake and through Water Works Park, only this was in reverse order from the Des Moines race, which frankly allowed me to enjoy both locations more. It’s good to go through Gray’s Lake park when you are still lucid.

Along the way, the volunteers were amazing. Lots of teenagers with lots of enthusiasm. The police presence at intersections was also top-notch. Signage was stellar. No ambiguity over which direction you need to go, unlike at the DMHM. Water stops were spaced a bit far for my taste, and there was no Gatorade until after the halfway point, although once they offered Gatorade it was delicious. Orange flavored and perfectly mixed.

After looping Water Works Park, we spent the last 5 miles or so walking back to the finish line, making it basically an out-and-back course. This was great, as I got to see all the folks for large portions of the race, then enjoy some solo time in between catching up to folks. When runners start walking, I walk them down, and I got to do that 6 times in this race. We came back out of the parks areas with about 2 miles to go, which was nice. It’s easier to wallow in blisters and stride hitches when you’re alone in the woods, but with cars driving by it would be awkward. Yes, I had a few blisters, and my stride wasn’t flawless (I hadn’t done a long walk since DMHM), but I felt pretty damn good and was having fun, and my pacing was fairly even – I slowed down by maybe 20 seconds per mile, very gradually. Basically, my back half was 2 minutes slower than my front half. Not bad at all.

Crossed the finish line in 2:57, which is way better than I thought I would do (I figured I’d be between 3 flat and 3:05), and 2 ½ minutes faster than DMHM. I immediately grabbed my medal, a bottle of water, and a huge, packaged cinnamon roll, which was the only swag offered, and walked back to the Embassy Suites with a smile on my face.

Good: 

-course. Amazing. Perfectly spaced mile markers. Probably the best I’ve ever seen, in both categories. Pretty flat but with a few small hills throughout at just the right times to mix up the muscles.

-shirt. They offered a hoodie this year that is way superior to last year’s ¼-zip. The sleeves are long enough for gangly me.

-cinnamon roll. This thing was GOOD. I ate it in the car on the drive home. Probably a 700-calorie bomb. Much appreciated.

-weather. Not the race’s doing, but it didn’t hurt, that’s for sure.

-volunteers. Awesome group.

-organization. Extremely simple, but well executed.

Bad:

-medal. Very plain, and you get the same medal as the 5K folks, but it’s not *horrible.* I just have to nitpick a bit.

-start on time! (again, nitpicking)

-price. The race is a bit expensive ($50) considering the lack of a finishing spread. But what you get is good.

Race Grade: A. Fantastic alternative to the Des Moines Half Marathon in October, if you’re willing to risk that it would be very cold.

Crosstraining Cardio, Examined and Judged (Harshly)

It's that time of year again, when the weather turns horrible and going to the gym more often turns inevitable. If you're like me, the idea of spending countless hours a week on the "dreadmill" (as the cool old dudes call it) is torturous, and your gym's indoor track either doesn't exist or is very short. True story: I once did 18 miles on my gym's 14-laps-per-mile indoor track, a record that surely stands to this day because nobody else is as effing stupid as I am. Anyway, you may be thinking about branching out and doing cardio on other machines, just to quell the boredom. Here is what you should know about each one.

Recumbent bike. Pros: you get to sit down; it requires, by far, the least thought while you're on it. Cons: IT SUCKS. Seriously, if all you want out of your workout is to finish reading that library book, and to have a totally flat butt, the recumbent bike is for you.

Hand cycle. Pros: uses only upper body (no other cardio machine can boast that). Cons: difficult to use for extended periods of time; difficult to use AT ALL.

Upright bike. Pros: standard piece of equipment found everywhere; adequate substitute for a real outdoor bike ride. Cons: you better like biking, because if you hate biking, you will hate this. Either way, I will generally give a hard pass to any bike-related cardio experiences, except for the (VERY) occasional spin class, which is at least a decent sweat-fest.

Elliptical. Pros: low-impact workout that mimics walking semi-adequately; "rolling hills" setting does all the work of changing resistance and incline for you; easy to watch Netflix on (my gym now has that capability, so I watch a LOT of early-season Glee). Cons: the only machine more boring than the elliptical is the recumbent bike.

Arc trainer. Pros: apparently a lot of people like it. Cons: BIZARRE. What is this forward motion? You will feel NOTHING in your butt. (That's what she said.) Not a great crosstraining option for this reason. The glutes are the largest muscle in your core and demand to be engaged.

Lateral trainer. Pros: actually fun; gives you that hard-to-replicate rollerblading and cross-country ski lateral pushout motion. Cons: if you go too wide, it might bother your hips, knees, or ankles; if you go too narrow it DOES NOTHING (read in Rainier Wolfcastle's voice).

Rowing machine. Pros: uses a lot of upper body and core; good for days when your legs are just trashed; difficult. Cons: requires good technique and thought. Use this machine liberally if you have received proper instruction. You also can't watch TV on it, which makes it ill-suited for mindless miles.

Stairmaster. Pros: meh. Cons: these are not real stairs, and I hate them. It's tappy-tappy up-down garbage. There's a dude at my gym who would use the stairmaster for hours a day, holding himself up by the triceps, just tapping his toes down to make the pedals go. This blatant bastardization should not be *built into the equipment.*

Recumbent stepper. Pros: if you are over 70 years old, you will love this. Cons: if you are under 70 years old, you will hate this.

Stepmill. Pros: real stairs that never end; one hell of a workout, you WILL sweat. By far my favorite machine to crosstrain on, because stairs have incredible walk- and Spartan-enhancing powers. Cons: requires good core strength to stay upright, but you can build on that.

Race Recap: 2017 Des Moines Half Marathon

Des Moines Half Marathon Race Report

When: Sunday, October 15, 2017

Where: Des Moines, IA

Weather: 40s, windy

Division: Open

With a recent severe cold and sinus infection, my training had been majorly derailed in the four weeks prior to the race. Before that, I'd managed to get a couple 10-milers in, and I knew I'd be able to finish the race, but my previous goal of 2:50 would be out of reach. I set a new goal of under 3 hours and knew I'd need to keep a good pace and not fall apart to get there.

Arrived downtown about 45 minutes before the start - used the hotel shuttle, so I can't comment on the parking situation, which I'm sure was disastrous. The start/finish area moved a couple blocks away since last year, so once again I found myself unable to locate ANYTHING, thanks to Des Moines' consistently terrible start/finish area organization. Why is this so difficult? This year was even worse, because everything was spread out on this cross-shaped section of downtown, meaning that you had to go around the corner to find stuff, and there were no signs either pointing the way or labeling the areas themselves. Example: bag check was in a parking structure, and there was no sign on the structure telling you this. You literally had to wander around and hope to find it. I discovered after the race that there was a map posted on Facebook. Why they couldn't put the map at the expo, in the race program, or email it to participants pre-race, I have no idea. The port-a-john situation was good, though, lots of areas with multiple toilets so there was hardly any line. Much better than having one giant line of port-a-johns. 

I was near the back of the start corral and could barely hear the anthem, let alone any announcements. Crossed the start line about 6-7 minutes after the gun, which is decent. People had sorted themselves pretty well, considering there are no assigned corrals. Got a good pace going and kept it for a very long time. The course was flat, with the only hills coming at a couple of bridges (only one hill, at mile 11, was big enough for me to switch from hip flexors to glutes, so I was glad I had trained on flats - essential for this race). 

Miles 4-9ish are basically a huge out-and-back section, with a loop around Water Works Park at the end. This was great for seeing lots of runners, but it made for a tight squeeze on the fairly narrow road, especially when bike patrollers needed to go by. Mile 6 we saw an aid station with bacon (typical Des Moines, LOL), then a bit later a stage with people in unicorn costumes with rainbows on them hula-hooping to the song "Rhythm is a Dancer." NOW I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING. Honestly, this is EXACTLY the sort of fabulous entertainment that should be at *every single race on the planet.* It felt like I was watching a mini-challenge from RuPaul's Drag Race, which is exactly as cool as it sounds. Kept going and passed a run/walker who was "singing along" with her phone, which was playing...spoken word slam poetry. What the heck. I guess, if it keeps you motivated. It was no "Rhythm is a Dancer," though.

Mile 7's aid station was staffed by National Guardsmen, who with one exception were polite and encouraging. The one exception was yelling at people to stop walking and start running, that walking was for wusses. Um, bro, this is the 3-hour half marathon group. Walking is part of the plan. I think he thought he was being all drill-sergeant encouraging, but no, dude. No. Meanwhile I got a couple of "you are a FAST WALKER"s from my fellow racers, which always makes a gal feel good. 

After the out-and-back (where we were passed by the full marathon leaders at around their mile 20), we looped around Gray's Lake as always. There was a group of four near me and one of the dudes had on a flower lei. I was like "yay, you got lei'd!" Laughs all around. After mile 10 I started kind of feeling the pain a bit. My shoes were pretty new and I'd tied them a bit too tight maybe, because they were bugging. Bottoms of my feet had hot spots but no actual blisters. And my hips were fatigued due to undertraining, which I'd expected. Overall I felt pretty damn good considering I hadn't walked much in 4 weeks. I spent my time encouraging those around me, which is a good strategy for feeling encouraged yourself. Got up the one hill and over the bridge, then we went down MLK on a flat and wide road. Luxury!

After mile 12.5 we had to turn left into downtown for the finish, and a volunteer was yelling at us "walkers KEEP RIGHT! STAY RIGHT UNTIL THE END!!!" I was slightly right of the center of the lane so I glanced over my shoulder and saw...nobody coming. Whatever, lady. Also I was walking as fast as everyone else was jogging, but she was still yelling at me specifically to move my ass over. I didn't. I walked where I wanted to and was in nobody's way. We made two left turns and the finish was right there. And I hit it in 2:59:37 on my watch. Goal: achieved!

After the race I got my bag, stretched, then tried to find food. Couldn't. Asked someone else, and they helped me find it. What the HELL, Des Moines. People who are finishing a marathon need food RIGHT IN THEIR FACE at the end. Don't make people have to go searching for it in an alleyway (seriously). The food, once I found it, was great. Beer, nachos, pork sandwiches, pizza, strawberries, cookies, bananas, peanut butter. I wished they'd had those bags of Baked Cheetos but beggars can't be choosers. 

Good: 

-swag. Shirt was a much better color this year, and I bought a t-shirt that is super cute. 

-course. Flat, but enjoyable.

-bike crew once again has everything you could possibly want.

-medal is one of the best, every year.

Bad:

-weather, but that's nobody's fault. Just too windy for how cold it was. Hands were numb.

-start/finish organization. HORRIBLE. Inexcusably horrible year after year. UGH.

Race Grade: B. Besides the start/finish area, this race is a solid one for those who want a good flat fall run. 

Sick, Bro!

It is cold and flu season, so it's time to review the guidelines to when to exercise when you are sick. First things first: it is perfectly okay to NOT exercise when you're sick. Sometimes the safest course of action is to "sit your ass down," as RuPaul would say, and drink plenty of fluids until you are on the mend. But when you have a cold that lingers for weeks and races coming up, that can be difficult. So please use good sense when deciding whether to exercise, and follow these rules.

1) Do not exercise with a fever over 100. It is a terrible idea. If you are already running hot, exercise (which increases your core temperature further) is the last thing you should be doing. Fevers don't last long, so just sit your ass down and drink ice-cold Gatorade.

2) Do not exercise with a chest cough. Chest coughs can be a sign of a lung infection such as bronchitis, which during intense exercise can travel to your heart and kill you. If that sounds like a fun way to spend your autumn, whatever. If your cough is very "shallow," you can work out, especially if it is infrequent.

3) If you have a headache or sinus pain, you can work out, but you might not want to. These can be exacerbated by dehydration, and sweating is usually a bad plan. If you work out with these symptoms, take it easy.

4) If you have a runny or stuffy nose, you can work out. A runny nose might get nasty, though, and a stuffy nose might make it difficult to breathe. Something to consider: if you exercise outdoors with a stuffy nose, take a route that doesn't have too many bugs, because you will need to mouth-breathe.

5) If you have a sore throat, you are probably good to go, unless you suspect you have strep throat. Sore throat + fever = sit your ass down, perhaps in an urgent care waiting room.

6) Vomiting or diarrhea...please, don't. Even without the obvious practical concerns, you run a high risk of dehydration anyway, so drink your Gatorade and stay away from the public.

7) Sneezing is okay. If you have severe allergies, though, you might want to take your workouts indoors until your allergen is less prevalent.

Follow these tips and you might make it through cold and flu season in decent physical shape! And remember, if you feel too run down to work out, it is okay to take a week off. You won't get deconditioned at all unless you take off a few weeks. Take care of yourself first - the training plan is less important.

A New Kind of Interval Training

As we saw in June, I have gotten into obstacle course racing, which is a very satisfying way to cross-train for walkers. We develop upper body and grip strength, which is helpful with walking (keeping elbows at 90 degrees, and carrying bottles and such). It keeps things from getting boring (because let's face it, sometimes walking many miles every week and doing nothing else is a bit dull). It gives us a break from the same-old when we're burned out on cardio. And it makes us more well-rounded as athletes in general.

But pounding out reps at the gym is not always super fun, either. "There's got to be some kind of compromise!" we scream, remnants of protein bar flying out of our mouths. Good news: there is! Interval training! And it ain't your momma's interval training...assuming your momma does interval training. Mine doesn't. No, my favorite newfangled kind of workout combines walking and weights/calisthenics in a stupendously exciting way.

Two examples of my version of an interval workout:

1) Take something heavy (I have a 30 lb Spartan Pancake, which is essentially a round sandbag) to a local park. I have a pond/lake in my town that is surrounded by a 1.2-mile bike trail spotted with four outdoor exercise rigs. I carry my pancake around the lake, stopping at each rig to do monkey bars across, then climb through and around the outside of the rig, then maybe do some rig-related calisthenics (pushups, pullups, box jumps, etc) before picking up the pancake and moving on to the next. This mixes things up and keeps you constantly engaged, while at the same time giving you a distance to put miles on your feet. Imagine how much easier those miles will feel WITHOUT the pancake.

2) Mock Spartan Race. There is a free "outdoor gym" about 30 minutes from my house, featuring all kinds of interesting stuff - tire-flipping, arm ropes, A-frames to climb over, monkey bars, climbing ropes, etc. I have written out a workout that has about a dozen different "obstacles," and between each I need to walk a short (1/10-mile or so) loop in the area. You can do the circuit as many times as you want. Again, it's a fun way to keep your body guessing, and incorporate cardio into your workout so that you can have great all-around fitness.

Standard intervals are all about mixing up speeds, or "hard/recovery." With these sorts of interval workouts, you can keep the entire thing fairly difficult, while still being able to catch your breath and have fun. Win/win/win!

Fear the Unknown

"Stick to what you know." Seems like obvious advice...until we forget to follow it. And all of us occasionally forget to follow it!

When it comes to sport, particularly repetitive endurance sport, we want to make sure that whatever we put on or in our bodies is tried and true. You cannot wear a new outfit for a long workout, or try out a new pair of shoes. Your short workouts are for trying new things. You don't want to be stuck with shorts that chafe or a shirt with a weird seam somewhere when you have ten more miles to walk. And you certainly don't want to try a brand-new breakfast or mid-workout fueling plan when you have your most important race of the year on the line.

Sadly, there are times when even I get a bit careless and make a mistake. I screwed up badly on Sunday, you guys: I tried a new brand of sports drink. [pause for "GASP! NO! YOU FOOL"s]

I realized on Saturday that I had not purchased my trusty blue Powerade Zero for Sunday's long walk (10 miles), so I stopped at a Kwik Star and picked up a zero-calorie KwikAde fruit punch. Pretty quickly into my walk, I realized this was a massive error in judgment. Miles 1-5 were spent battling heartburn. Miles 6-10 the unpleasantness traveled to my small intestines and made me feel just awful. Oogy, as I say. Fortunately "an unpleasant feeling" was the total extent of it, but the damage was done, and my 10-mile walk was 5 minutes slower than the previous week.

It might seem like switching to a different brand or flavor of sports drink shouldn't be a big deal, but weigh the risks versus the potential benefits. At best, you will be fine, you may have saved 50 cents, and have an alternate option available if you forget your favorite again. At worst, your workout will be ruined. These are mistakes you want to make in your shorter workouts, if you must make them at all. Revel in the familiar; fear the unknown.

And avoid KwikAde!

Troubleshooting Your Blisters

I wrote about blisters a long time ago, but I realize now that I was remiss in not giving an extensive list of ways to troubleshoot your blister problems. I tried a LOT of stuff over the course of YEARS before I finally got down to the bottom of it. So here it is, a comprehensive list of things you should try if you get blisters "on the reg," as the kids say. I will start with the most obvious things at the top, and as you work your way down, you may find some very specific and/or bizarre-sounding advice that, no kidding, works like a damn charm if you have stubborn blisters. Between each number, just think the phrase "if THAT doesn't work, try..."

1) Build your mileage slowly. If you usually go 3 miles and decide to go 15 one day, yeah, you might get a blister or two.

2) You might be wearing improperly fitting shoes. Make sure they are a bit longer than your foot (to allow space for swelling), but not wider, unless your feet swell like crazy every time. Many people need a narrow shoe to avoid lots of sliding around in there, or might need a different shaped last (if you get large blisters in your forefoot, get a shoe with a narrower forefoot. Same with the heel). Running stores are notoriously terrible at helping with blisters - they are, after all, staffed by expert runners who have probably never had problems in their lives - but they can help you locate different-shaped lasts.

3) Consider orthotic inserts to get your perfect fit, also.

4) Socks make a difference, too. I like a thick technical sock (FitSox are my current favorite), bonus is it helps cuddle my narrow foot in my narrow shoe for an even more narrow fit. Some people prefer thin socks, but this is a shit idea, no offense. If you get blisters, go for a thick sock, because you might have weird sweat. My feet don't sweat much, but the sweat can be kind of sticky, which causes problems for me. The following are things you will want to try in an attempt to manage or even reconfigure your foot sweat.

5) Talcum powder. Put it all over your feet before putting socks on. My podiatrist gave me Sanabalm, one $6 container of which will last for approximately 5,000 years. I assume Gold Bond is similar.

6) Lotrimin AF foot spray. Seriously, I use this a few times a week before bed because even though I don't visibly have a foot fungus of any sort, it serves the dual function of instantly cooling my feet after a walk AND making my sweat less tacky. If you have tried a lot of stuff and still get blisters, give this a shot daily.

7) Drink lots of water and limit your sodium intake. Don't get me wrong, sodium is good, but cut it back to maybe 3000 mg a day and drink a gallon of water every day. Your sweat might change just enough to make blisters stop reappearing.

8) If you get to this point and are still getting huge blisters all the time, I don't know what to tell you. I have exhausted my troubleshooting capabilities. Chances are, for 99% of you, these tips will work. If they don't, go to a podiatrist who has experience with athletes.

9) Desperate times = desperate measures. If you still get blisters and want to try to prevent them in a more immediate way, the only ways I have found that work are either covering the typical blister area (BEFORE you get a blister there) with a blister band-aid or duct tape. Yes, duct tape. You can also apply a liquid bandage such as NewSkin to the area, although this does not work quite as well (it is more comfortable than a bunch of duct tape, but try it at your own risk, because blisters may form).

Why Shoe Reviews Are Useless

You may be wondering why I never post reviews or recommendations for shoes. The reason is simple: every foot is different. What works great for me would, statistically, probably be disastrous for someone else, and vice versa. For the record, I use a doctor-prescribed orthotic insert with the Asics GT-1000 4 running shoe in a size 11.5 2A. That is extremely specific, and therefore totally useless information to anyone besides myself.

Unfortunately, Asics (in their infinite wisdom) has chosen to end production of narrow (2A) sizes for all of their "less than $150 a pair" shoes. After purchasing lots of leftover pairs of my perfect shoe, I am running low on shoes and need to find a new setup. So here I thought, "how am I going to find a similar shoe? I know: read some reviews!"

As our orange president would say: WRONG. Turns out shoe reviews are totally awful and give zero information that anyone would find useful. Every shoe review I've ever read goes like this: "I tried the new Mizunike Air Magics, they are so comfortable on my feet! They felt like pillows! I went for a 1-mile jog and felt so amazing! I highly recommend these shoes!" What the hell am I supposed to do with this review?

What Shoe Reviews SHOULD Say:

1) Use the shoe for weeks. Not just one run. Tell us how they hold up over time.

2) How is the last? Is it narrow? Which parts are narrow? Which parts are wide? How is the length? Is the sizing as expected or is it short or tight?

3) How does this shoe compare to other shoes, fit-wise? How does it compare to last year's model?

4) How does it work for people with biomechanical issues? Chances are if you are reading shoe reviews, you have at least slightly picky feet. Yes, there are some folks that can choose a shoe based entirely on "cool looks," but they ain't reading reviews.

5) How is the value? Do you get a good amount of wear out of the shoes for the money?

With all my problems and with my narrow clown foot, I scoured these useless reviews for a couple of potentially useful nuggets. The key is learning how to read the review and not let a "negative review" faze you. Read it. I look for complaints such as "this shoe is so narrow it hurts," and "this shoe is really stiff." That is a sign that the shoe, even in a medium width, is more likely to fit me. Stiffness is a sign that the shoe might last more than 150 miles.

Learn how to write shoe reviews, and learn how to read shoe reviews. Your feet will thank you. And when your shoe ceases production (ASICS, you bastards), you will know how to find another one.

Power(lift)ing Up

I have been experimenting with a new workout schedule.

Monday: Circuit Training 1 hour

Tuesday: REST

Wednesday: Walk 6 miles

Thursday: Heavy lifting at the gym 1 hour

Friday: Walk 6 miles

Saturday: Circuit Training at-home obstacles 1 hour

Sunday: Long walk (currently 8 miles)

This schedule is amazing. I am managing to perfectly maintain my cardio endurance (I have gotten back down to almost 13-minute miles) and, through the addition of lifting and circuit training, develop some SERIOUS muscles. The combination of lifting heavy sometimes and calisthenics at other times has not only made me more well-rounded as an athlete, but a better walker as well. The benefits so far:

1) I can eat what I want. Honestly, nothing is really off-limits. I count calories and try to stay somewhat close to the number that I'm burning so that I can gain muscle while burning fat. This allows plenty o' treats. But I am craving more protein, so that also helps.

2) Strength. Raw, brute strength. As a tall woman, it is difficult to do unassisted chin ups, but I can pull up a large percentage of my weight (probably 90% 1RM - 1 rep max), and I'm aiming for being able to do at least one unassisted pull up by the new year.

3) Quality of life. I can carry my toddler without getting tired. I can bound up a few flights of stairs. I can hold things up for a while without complaint.

4) Walking. Holding your elbows at 90 degrees is, as I've said before, critical to a quick pace. I can do so indefinitely and no longer need to "shake them out" at any point.

5) Spartan racing. I have been researching and systematically preparing my body for a variety of obstacles. This not only keeps me in shape, it keeps me interested in the workouts. I don't do the same thing over and over like when I was marathon training and ONLY walking. The creativity required has also aided my career as a trainer.

6) Body confidence. It is almost impossible to feel badly about how your body looks when you are pulling off the sort of workouts required of Spartan and half marathon training. Even if I did look objectively bad, I wouldn't notice or care. 

In summary: walking is still my jam, but training like an obstacle-course racer has done so much for my confidence and abilities that I highly recommend it for any endurance athlete! 

Wrist Pocket - Your New Best Friend

As you may recall, last fall I was wondering how to efficiently carry a small amount of necessary items (Tums and Pepto tablets) during my long workouts. I forgot to update the blog with the solution I found: a wearable wrist pocket. I bought a two-pack on Amazon, on sale, for $9. The pocket is water-resistant and your sweat won't get through it. Unlike with a waistpack, what you put in there will not get hot and disgusting from your body heat. It is just large enough to fit a packet of gel or Sport Beans, plus a couple Tums and Pepto tablets. It is extremely comfortable, lightweight, and you won't really notice it much. It is machine-washable. What a godsend this little gizmo has been. Highly recommended for minimalists like me who just want a few "emergency items."

Spartan Sprint Stadium Series – Lambeau Field 2017 Review

I had never done a Spartan race before – I figured it was the domain of ultra-buff Crossfitters who think ball slams and box jumps are a really good time. So naturally, it sounded like the ideal challenge for someone who was, let’s face it, a bit burned out on distance walking. The first few months of 2017 were spent bulking up my muscle mass, then with 5 weeks until race day I realized “I better do some burpees, and lose some weight so I can capitalize on my strength.” Crammed in some great training and an excellent diet, and lost 11 lb before the race and had a combination of leanness and brute strength that I hadn’t had in years. The week before the race, I felt like some sort of jungle cat, so ready for this challenge that I knew almost nothing about. It is distinctly un-Spartan-like to even ask what the obstacles will be. They will be discovered on the course, which, it turns out, means you have to be very smart about pacing. (Spoiler: I was very smart about pacing.)

My sister-in-law (SIL) and I showed up for our afternoon start time about an hour early and wandered around the lower level of Lambeau Field, looking at the visible obstacles and the countless Spartans running up and down the (approximately) eleventy billion stairs of one of the NFL’s largest stadiums. Being a massive Packers fan, it is always a pleasure to visit Lambeau. “Aaron Rodgers has STOOD RIGHT THERE!” No Packers were standing there today, and no lines were on the field…no Spartans, either, which some folks were disappointed about. But the hallowed turf of Lambeau is no place for us mortals, so I was not upset. Jordy Nelson is worthy; I am not.

At about 2:20 PM we headed up the ramps to the start line with the rest of our wave. For no discernable reason, we had to hop over a 4’ wooden wall to get to the start corral. A taste of things to come! Finally SIL and I were placed in our group of 15 (released every minute) and it was our time to go! Power walking up the ramp was easy peasy, until we got to the cords, which were laced at about waist-level across the entire ramp. Squat and side-waddle underneath…over…and over…for about a football-field distance of uphill ramp. NOW we’re cookin’ with gas. “My hammies!” I was heard to remark. SIL and I were heard to remark a LOT of things in this race, most of them devastatingly hilarious and ribald. We heard many fellow Spartans laughing at our obviously-rookie shenanigans and skylarkings.

At the top of the ramp, there were a series of four 4’ walls like we had encountered earlier. Hopped over them with as much spry ease as a middle-aged woman can muster. Then we encountered our first official “someone is telling us what to do” obstacle: 20 hand-release pushups (where your chest touches the ground and you lift your hands on each rep). I did these modified, as did the other lady Spartans, because I am not stupid and we were just getting started.

First impression of Spartan: they love little walls.

We went out into the bowl for our first set of stadium stairs. We quickly realized that stadium stairs are longer and deeper (that’s what SHE said) than regular stairs. Fortunately, with my nearly 6-foot height, I had the option of taking long bounding steps down the stairs, taking care to land properly with flexed knees and straight ankles. As a result, I flew by everybody on the way down, only to have them easily jog past me on the way up. Fortunately, no Spartans were dicks about being held up (in too-narrow sections) or asking to pass. There was a real sense of camaraderie, as well as a real sense of “STAIRS ARE HARD.”

We came out of our first stair section only to encounter…having to pick up a 25-lb sandbag and run around ANOTHER stair section! Calgon, take me away! Fortunately carrying my 32-lb toddler prepared me for that. 

Easier than juggling a tray of beers on these steps.

Afterward we took a long ramp down and encountered a 6’ wooden wall. Let’s do this! We sprinted for the wall and immediately realized “oh, this is harder than it looks.” The wall was sanded and finished and quite slippery, so there was no chance of taking a step in the middle to help yourself up. A nearby lady named Jamie said we should boost each other up, and so she boosted me, then I went back around and boosted her. Teamwork makes the dream work!

Next up was a water stop, where a fabulous volunteer with a man bun made conversation about Jelly Belly Sport Beans (which I was carrying and using to supplement with the provided water). Then it was the rope climb, where there were no knotted ropes for ladies, so it went extremely poorly and we joined the approximately 95% of participants who were doing burpees. Since we were on textured concrete, I modified the burpees, as unmodified burpees would have made my knees bloody and that would be unhygienic and/or gross. Total burpees count: 30.

After the burpees, we encountered the Rolling Epic, which I had read about and figured was probably the worst possible obstacle to do right after burpees. You put your toes on a small (about 8” square) four-wheeled scooter and walk on your hands about 30 feet to a painted line on the ground. The main challenge here is core strength, which had just been sapped a bit during the burpees. Fortunately it seemed to be within the rules to “rest” during the obstacle by drawing your knees in and basically crouching on the scooter for a bit. Managed to make it across the line without falling! Immediately afterward, we did 20 box jumps onto a platform that was about 18 inches high (for the women). Not terribly difficult when you’re tall, at least.

Another long ramp back up! At this point SIL was asking me “what’s next? How far have we gone?” and I was like “stop asking me stupid questions! They don’t tell you ANYTHING around here!” Spirits were still high and we were still joking around. Then we did our third trip around the stadium stairs (our second unencumbered by sandbags). MY HAMMIES. Lots of Spartans were resting during the stairs, which is totally understandable. We had to take a few breaks on the stairs during the day, though not as many as I thought we would!

After the stairs, we came across a line of rings hanging from above that we were meant to swing across. LOLOLOL OMG. I hopped onto the first rings, made it nowhere (as expected), and did my burpees (as probably 95% of the Spartans were doing). I knew if I had to do anything monkey bar-adjacent, I’d burpee out, so I was prepared. SIL and I banged ‘em out. At this point we decided it would be inspiring to yell to each other, "what would (insert Packer here) do?!" Unfortunately I started with "what would Eddie Lacy do?" and a nearby burpee-ing guy said "probably eat a cheeseburger!" LOLZ all around! Total burpees count: 60.

Next were, you guessed it, stairs! For the fourth time! This set of stairs seemed longer and harder, that’s what SHE said. At this point in the race I said something I can’t remember and SIL yells at me “SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH! …I’m sorry.” It honestly didn’t even occur to me to be offended. If we do this race again we will call our team The Whoremouths. At the bottom of the stairs we found a much-needed water stop. Stairs dry out the mouth badly. From the water stop we could see a giant wall coming up, and we started speculating about whether we’d be willing to show our boobs to lean young men to get a boost up the wall. Consensus: hell yes.

Randall Cobb's got nothing on us

But first, we went outside! Huzzah! First up in this section: a traverse wall. This was a zig-zag wall with outcroppings of wood for the hands and feet. After figuring out how to place my feet (tip: make sure your dominant foot can come around the outside of the zig-zag), it was really fun and not too difficult. Then we climbed this gigantic cargo net on an A-frame, which was about 30 feet high or so. I am afraid of heights, but when in Sparta. The net was not loose enough to fall through, so that helps. At the top I said “I wonder how many swamp crotches have straddled this apex today? Don’t think about it.” We made it back to the bottom without plummeting to our deaths, so no burpees for us!

We put the "BAMFs" in "A-FraMe...Bs?"

Then: the spear throw. I had heard of this, but had no clue how to prepare for such a ridiculous thing. I watched others do it and figured holding it in the middle and whipping the thing was a good strategy, so I did. And I broke the tip of the spear off on the target. Oops. It must have been broken before I got to it, because I am not some sort of Hulk monster. The spear was promptly replaced and I tried two more times but, while I could hit the target with the tip, I could not make it stick (neither could SIL). I decided doing half the burpees would be punishment enough for my lamentable lack of spear-throwing talent. Total burpees count: 75.

The next obstacle in the outdoor parking-lot section was the Atlas carry, which involved carrying a big block of concrete (I don’t remember the weight – maybe 50 lb?) about 40 feet, doing 5 burpees, then carrying it back. This was easy as hell, since I know how to pick up a large weight with my legs. Do not use your back. You will die. Total burpees count: 80 (and this is where we would end! No more burpees for us Spartan goddesses).

When we came back inside, we went for the giant wall we had seen. Turns out it was 7’ tall. Thankfully, Jamie was there waiting for us! Another group of two ladies joined our crew and we all hauled each other over the wall. On this one, we needed another girl to catch us as we fell off the other side. Then an 8’ wall. I experienced two different injuries on this obstacle, both mild: I pulled my right hip abductor as I mounted the wall. “MY ABDUCTOR!” I called out in a realistic fashion. Fortunately once I hit the ground, it eased up and was totally fine. I am guessing it was also on the 8’ wall that I bruised and chafed my right bicep, which I did not notice until hours later. Water break afterward, wherein I finished up my packet of fruit punch Sport Beans.

Next up: the Hercules hoist! I had heard that this one was a real killer. You use a rope and pulley to haul a 100-lb sandbag into the air and lower it down in a controlled manner. This was SO EASY it’s not even funny. Apparently I have a really strong back and naturally good technique, wherein I held the rope and let my body fall back, then grabbed the rope higher and repeated the process. Basically my 174-lb body weight did all the work for me, although the rope tore my hands up a bit on the lowering-down part. SIL and I helped Jamie do her hoist, then we all moved on to the next obstacle: 20 reps of ball slams with a 15-lb medicine ball. Easy. I was impressed too with how smartly the course was designed, to have a pull obstacle immediately followed by a push obstacle so that your muscle groups were alternated.

We came to another stairwell, but surprise! There were cords crisscrossing here as well! It was a nice callback to our initial ramp. We crawled up the stairs and I felt my foot contact someone behind me. I said “I’m so sorry, did I kick you?” and she snotted “yeah.” Lady, it is YOUR job to watch where MY feet are, since I am crawling up stairs and you are behind me and crowding me. That was the one and only rude idiot I encountered on the course. Everyone else was so nice it was almost eerie. At the top of the stairs we found heavy jump ropes and had to use giant rubber bands to bind our ankles together for 20 jumps. “This is some 50 Shades shit,” I was heard to remark. I did my jumps without totally eating it, thankfully, because that would be slightly embarrassing. Then out for our fifth and final set of stairs in the stadium, which felt like it took forever, but at least by now we had found our groove and were not complaining about “whore mouths” nearly as much.

At the top of the stairs a fellow Spartan informed us that we only had down stairs from then on. Praise Jesus! We went down one last set of stairs, then passed through the last obstacle, the Gladiator Gauntlet. This was basically a gauntlet of heavy punching bags that we just had to pass through. Super easy. My SIL joked with a volunteer, “that’s too hard, I have to do the burpees instead.” Twenty yards past the gauntlet, I crossed the finish line hand-in-hand with my luminous SIL and we got our free Miller Lite (tip: bring your ID! We had to go out to bag check to fetch ours) and stretched.

The greatest victory at Lambeau since the Ice Bowl.

Consensus: we had so much fun. Knowing almost nothing about the race, we were so open to the whole process, and it turned out that we really enjoyed encountering these strange obstacles and just trying to muddle through. We did pretty well, too, considering we only did burpees 2.5 times for a 20-obstacle race. My muscles were so warm and pummeled that it felt like I’d gotten an amazing massage. (I was sore the following day, though.) The post-race food spread is fairly pathetic (Clif Builder Bars, bananas, water, and a free Miller Lite with ID…other food costs big money), but the medal is DA BOMB. Heavy and a nice stadium-specific ribbon. Marriot handed out a bunch of free little black Spartan towels, so I got a set of two. Logistically this race was pretty good. Despite the utter lack of information (there was no course map even AT THE EVENT ITSELF), it was very smooth to check in and fairly easy to find everything. Parking was free and we were able to park very close to the race entrance in Lambeau’s Lot 1. And most importantly, everyone was nice. Nobody was snobby or elitist. We were all in it together, for one blissful 70-degree breezy afternoon in Green Bay.

Race Grade: A-. Besides a few tiny things (I didn’t see many, or any, bathrooms open on the course, and Gatorade would have been nice, as well as a bigger post-race spread), it was very well done. Oh, and a free bag check would be nice too. It cost $5. But oh well, no race is perfect, and this race was awesome. SIL and I will probably be back next year. Hope to see you guys there. We will be the ones making extremely inappropriate jokes and yelling “BIIIIITCH, get your ass up these stairs, bitch!” Come say hi. We'll haul you over a wall if you want.

Spartan Coming Up

Hey folks! Have not updated in a while. Too busy developing my burpees. Seriously, I have spent the last several weeks "cramming" for the Spartan race, and rule #1 is: do burpees. Do more burpees. Do burpees until you want to faint or die. Currently I do 100 burpees (in sets of 10) every few days, recording the total amount of time it takes me to do them, including breaks between sets. The quicker your recovery, the better shape you are in. I have gone from doing them in 40 minutes to doing them in 15 minutes. This all bodes very well for the Spartan Stadium Sprint, which is in about ten days.

I have also been developing upper body strength in general, and more recently I have been doing hot-weather cardio workouts to acclimate. Although the weather looks like it will be very mild, it always helps to train in heat. There will be no opportunity to "put it all together" before the race itself, but so far all signs point to a finish, which is all we can ask for.

Post-Spartan, I am looking to a return to the Des Moines Half Marathon, just for fun (no PR attempt this year). Will write a recap of the Spartan Sprint Lambeau Field for the blog in a couple weeks. Since the Spartan website doesn't give much information about the races (they claim being surprised is part of the fun...), I have enjoyed reading Stadium Sprint recaps online as my only source of tips. It is my duty to contribute!

Spartan Training For Dummies

I have not posted in a while, mostly because I have not been walking very much. Instead, I am in the initial stages of training for...dun dun DUN...my first-ever obstacle course race! I have chosen a Spartan Stadium Sprint event in late June. No mud, which is a plus. Lots of stairs, which will be a plus once I get in "stair-climbing shape."

So how does a distance walker train for a Spartan race? I have been taking strength training VERY seriously. My goal is to increase my raw strength and power to levels I have not previously seen in myself. I can lift a LOT of weight at the moment, and I want to increase that further. Unfortunately, this is not entirely compatible with staying in half marathon shape, but that will come later. I plan to do the Des Moines Half Marathon again in October, so I will get back to long workouts in July.

Here are my Spartan Secrets:

1) Research. The Spartan race website is extremely secretive about what sorts of obstacles you will encounter, to a pathological and obnoxious degree, so I have been googling race reviews of previous stadium Spartan events to know what to expect. I have found out that rowing machines, stairs, and non-muddy climbing obstacles are very likely.

2) Development. Figure out my weaknesses and pick them off one by one. This will include, for me, grip strength; rowing (I am a great rower but not as great as they expect me to be); upper body strength; stairs; BURPEES (holy shit, the burpees are brutal, and if I can't pass an obstacle I have to do thirty of them); and doing all of this in the heat of a late June afternoon.

3) Burpee Development. It requires its own damn number. Last week I did a total of 60 Spartan burpees during a 40-minute workout (with weights training between every 5 burpees) and I legit almost fainted. I need to be able to do sets of 30, probably a solid 5 times, in late June heat. The level of cardiovascular conditioning this will require is extreme, folks. Also, one thing you may not realize is that many "hit the deck" burpees will fail your biceps pretty quickly. That is the muscle group most responsible for making sure you don't break your nose on the floor.

So wish me luck as I prepare for taking my walking and racing to a whole other level. Eeek. And once the weather finally warms up, I'll be back outside for my 6-mile jogging-stroller loop.

Race Recap: St. Jude (Half) Marathon

St. Jude Half Marathon Race Report

When: Saturday, December 3, 2016

Where: Memphis, TN

Weather: 40s, raining

Division: Open

This was my A-race for the year, the one I had trained for. Unfortunately, I had trained for the full marathon and ended up completing the half. First rule of endurance sport: shit happens! I will get into all that later, but for now I will just recap the event before I forget (it's been a while - two horrible colds and lots of travel got in the way of my blogging).

The expo was at the convention center downtown. It was very easy to locate, but parking...probably the WORST parking garage I have ever seen in my life. Extremely confusing, no flow whatsoever, no signs whatsoever to tell you which way to go to exit or change levels, no signs pointing you towards the convention center itself, and I could go on and on. It was a travesty, an ABORTION, of a parking garage. Fortunately the parking garage was free, or I would have flipped out even more. Once we finally found parking (on the bottom, most rapist-y level of the structure), the expo itself was decent. Very spread-out and not a lot of free samples, but I've seen worse. The shirt was a phenomenal long-sleeve, thin fabric but the women's has longer sleeves to accommodate a thumbhole (which I am pleased to see is becoming a race-shirt trend - otherwise the sleeves are always too short). 

On race day we didn't have to deal with parking, because we had friends drop us off, but the whole race start was a bit of a disaster. Bag drop was easy to find, and we managed to stay warm in a stairwell of the baseball stadium, but once you got towards the corrals, forget it. Wall to wall people and you could barely move. Absolutely terrible organization. There were about 14 different corrals that started 3 minutes apart, which is a terrible, terrible way to start a race. It took. FOREVER. I was back at like corral 13. It was so bad that I was starting to actually get hungry again before the race even friggin' started. Tip, St. Jude: do a damn mass start. It'll take about 1/3 the time.

As for the ten-cent version of my switch from full to half, I will say this, I just didn't have it that day. I thought I'd do the full. I certainly had every intention. But although my walking felt fast, my watch said otherwise. It kept telling me my mile splits were around 14:30, and I felt like I was walking a 13:30. That is a big discrepancy and usually a bad sign. I saw the 5:45, then 6-hour pace groups disappear into the distance and I just thought "what the f***, I feel like I'm walking faster than this." I knew I wouldn't finish in the time limit, and between the rain and the cold and the fact that I didn't seem to know my own body that day, I spent several miles mulling over my choices - take the mile 11 half marathon split, or try to gut out the full. By mile 9 I made my decision to split at 11 and finish the half. No regrets, no sorrow. Live to race another day!

The half marathon ended up being a lot of fun, actually. Besides the chilly and damp weather, which didn't affect me much because I dressed perfectly (tank top with a long-sleeve over it, headband, gloves, and capri tights), the race itself was neat. It was a lovely tour of Memphis, which is a city I'd been to before but never really explored on foot. Going through the St. Jude Children's Hospital campus between miles 5 and 6 was emotional. If we had gone through there later in the race (which I think would be a great idea, actually, if they could change the course), I would have ugly-cried. It is REALLY difficult to feel sorry for yourself when you see kids with cancer cheering you on. The people of Memphis are very friendly and make great spectators, except for the occasional screaming homeless person (ah, the joys of the urban marathon!). The course itself had the perfect amount of hills, in my opinion. Not flat but not too hilly. 

We finished the race in a baseball stadium outfield, whereupon we immediately had to climb a large flight of stairs to get to the upper level where the food and exits were. NO, MA'AM. This was so mean. This was CRUEL and UNUSUAL. I have never, and I mean never, seen a race where you were forced to climb stairs at the finish. I honestly don't even know what the wheelchair finishers did. Maybe there weren't any. I mean, I had no problem with the stairs, but then I'd only walked a half marathon. The full marathon finishers were being pushed up the stairs by other Concerned Citizens. And these were the people in good enough shape to do a marathon in 3 hours. No. St. Jude, WHY? Oh, it was bad. Once you got to the top, though, there were immediately bags of food, and you could get Domino's pizza two slices at a time and Krispy Kreme donuts, which really hit the spot. Those are probably two of my favorite types of food, and I ate ravenously. Piles of whole, unpeeled bananas, great to steal for the next day's breakfast. They also had a variety of beverages including beer, Powerade, and chocolate milk. It was a good spread. By the time I'd wolfed down a slice of pizza I heard the announcer say my husband's name as a full marathon finisher, so I was able to help him out (the weather hit him harder than it hit me, and he was pretty effed up, at least until I got some pizza and donuts into him. Yet again, those foods save the day).

Once you were ready to leave, the exit was really far to walk. You had to go all the way around the stadium perimeter. But the bag pickup was very quick and easy, and we stretched in that same heated stairwell we spent time in pre-race. Had a friend pick us up on a nearby side street and poof, we were gone. 

Good: 

-shirt and medal were top-notch.

-spectators were great, especially considering the bad weather. 

-post-race food was awesome. Pizza and donuts? YES. And they weren't stingy with the portions, either.

Bad:

-that damn parking garage at the expo. ARGH.
-the start was a disaster. Legit disaster.

-the roads themselves were not in great shape. Lots of potholes and slippery when wet.

-not as many aid stations as there should have been. Fortunately I packed my own Gatorade, but still, put 'em every mile, bitches.

-STAIRS?! Sweet Neptune's trident, what the f*** were they thinking?

Race Grade: B. Like Des Moines, what is good is very very good, and what is bad (start? STAIRS?!) is insane. I would definitely recommend the half marathon, but cannot in good conscience tell people to do a full marathon where you will be immediately asked to scale a large amount of stairs upon finishing.