Crosstraining Cardio, Examined and Judged (Harshly)

It's that time of year again, when the weather turns horrible and going to the gym more often turns inevitable. If you're like me, the idea of spending countless hours a week on the "dreadmill" (as the cool old dudes call it) is torturous, and your gym's indoor track either doesn't exist or is very short. True story: I once did 18 miles on my gym's 14-laps-per-mile indoor track, a record that surely stands to this day because nobody else is as effing stupid as I am. Anyway, you may be thinking about branching out and doing cardio on other machines, just to quell the boredom. Here is what you should know about each one.

Recumbent bike. Pros: you get to sit down; it requires, by far, the least thought while you're on it. Cons: IT SUCKS. Seriously, if all you want out of your workout is to finish reading that library book, and to have a totally flat butt, the recumbent bike is for you.

Hand cycle. Pros: uses only upper body (no other cardio machine can boast that). Cons: difficult to use for extended periods of time; difficult to use AT ALL.

Upright bike. Pros: standard piece of equipment found everywhere; adequate substitute for a real outdoor bike ride. Cons: you better like biking, because if you hate biking, you will hate this. Either way, I will generally give a hard pass to any bike-related cardio experiences, except for the (VERY) occasional spin class, which is at least a decent sweat-fest.

Elliptical. Pros: low-impact workout that mimics walking semi-adequately; "rolling hills" setting does all the work of changing resistance and incline for you; easy to watch Netflix on (my gym now has that capability, so I watch a LOT of early-season Glee). Cons: the only machine more boring than the elliptical is the recumbent bike.

Arc trainer. Pros: apparently a lot of people like it. Cons: BIZARRE. What is this forward motion? You will feel NOTHING in your butt. (That's what she said.) Not a great crosstraining option for this reason. The glutes are the largest muscle in your core and demand to be engaged.

Lateral trainer. Pros: actually fun; gives you that hard-to-replicate rollerblading and cross-country ski lateral pushout motion. Cons: if you go too wide, it might bother your hips, knees, or ankles; if you go too narrow it DOES NOTHING (read in Rainier Wolfcastle's voice).

Rowing machine. Pros: uses a lot of upper body and core; good for days when your legs are just trashed; difficult. Cons: requires good technique and thought. Use this machine liberally if you have received proper instruction. You also can't watch TV on it, which makes it ill-suited for mindless miles.

Stairmaster. Pros: meh. Cons: these are not real stairs, and I hate them. It's tappy-tappy up-down garbage. There's a dude at my gym who would use the stairmaster for hours a day, holding himself up by the triceps, just tapping his toes down to make the pedals go. This blatant bastardization should not be *built into the equipment.*

Recumbent stepper. Pros: if you are over 70 years old, you will love this. Cons: if you are under 70 years old, you will hate this.

Stepmill. Pros: real stairs that never end; one hell of a workout, you WILL sweat. By far my favorite machine to crosstrain on, because stairs have incredible walk- and Spartan-enhancing powers. Cons: requires good core strength to stay upright, but you can build on that.