This Is Spartan Ultra Episode 9

Went to the state park on Friday in thunderstorms, and on Saturday in the flooded aftermath of thunderstorms, in an effort to make sure I am fully prepared for my muddy and wet races coming up (Spartan Super Chicago June 1, Spartan Beast Ohio June 8). Had a great time, explored, and soaked my shoes. Will I solve the mystery of the barefoot human mud tracks?

Race Recap: Gladiator Assault Challenge

Gladiator Assault Challenge 5/18/19 Boone, IA

Weather: 70 degrees, sunny

Terrain: Ski hills, single-track trails, lots of mud

Distance: 6 miles, approx. 30 obstacles

Course map

I did this race last year and frankly, I was a total drama queen about it. Having never done a proper mud run before, I didn't know what to expect, and my recap showed it. I thought last year was muddy. LOL. Oh, Past Clare, you sweet summer child. Since then I have experienced far muddier events. Even events that weren't that muddy (like the Spartan Sprint Ohio) were muddier than last year's GAC. This year is a different story. We had rain all week, and were actually expected to have rain all day for the race. It ended up being beautiful during the race itself, but the mud had already happened and it makes a big difference in a hilly course like this. Was it as bad as the Spartan Super Chicago? Absolutely not. But parts of it were reminiscent of that course, and it was certainly hillier, which created a technical challenge that, frankly, I was really diggin'.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I got to the venue about 30 minutes before my wave started, which was all the time I needed. Check-in was quick, the base camp area is small and easy to navigate (same as last year), and after dropping my bag I started up the giant hill that we were all forced to climb before the race even started. Fun! They only had the cannon for the elite wave this year, which I was happy about because that cannon is hella-loud. My wave started at 8:20 under cloudy skies that would rapidly dissipate. What didn't dissipate: the insane quantity of mosquitoes! Thank god I put on some bug spray beforehand, but it was not enough.

First section of the race goes downhill and through the Muddy Bunkers. The wet ground made descents tricky for the entire race, so I admired anyone with the chutzpah to jog. Through some tunnels, muddy trails (let's start the drinking game), and the Hang On obstacle (a traverse wall with 2x4 ledges for hands and feet), then down into what looked like a quarry pit with gross water at the bottom. It wouldn't be obstacle racing without gross water, y'all. Classic. A cargo net climb to get out of there, then running through lines of tires to get to Venus Fly Trap, which were these little 45-degree quintuple Ninja Warrior step thingies that were very muddy and slippery. This was the first obstacle that I couldn't really do very well, although I got off easier than the dude ahead of me who totally ATE IT on one of the steps. More muddy trails (drink!) and a big downhill to Monkey Mayhem, which I could not do last year at all. This year they put us IN the water from the get-go. We were submerged from the hips down while crossing the monkey bars, which like last year spin and are far apart. The bit of extra weight taken off the body in the water, plus my increased grip strength, made this easy this year. Yay! 

I prefer my mudslides with extra kahlua.

Back up the hill, under some barbed wire, and across Wobbler, which were long logs about 8" in diameter across a pond. Most people were falling in (probably 60-75%), but I kept up a great scoot and made it across. I've been crossing logs a lot in my training lately so this felt comfortable. Proper shoes also make a big difference, as does kicking off the mud before you start. Combat Zone came next, which is basically a log hop. I fell off a few times - there were big gaps between the logs, and sometimes about 18" of height difference on top of that. Fun obstacle though! Next were lots of muddy trails (drink), followed by a vertical cargo net and an angled wall with boards to climb up. More mud pits, followed by a cargo net on the ground that we had to step through, then back onto the muddy trails (DRINK) for a downhill portion that was so steep we needed ropes. 

After finally emerging from the trails, we came to Steeplechase, which is a set of three large ladder-walls. Then was Carry Your Wood, which, in addition to being a devastating double entendre, is also a misnomer, as we are in fact carrying a cinder block. In the middle of this 1/4-mile carry were two short walls to step over (about 2 feet tall) and two lines of tires that we needed to crawl under, all while bringing along this cinder block. It was a fun addition this year to the heavy-carry section! Back through the trails to a river crossing, then a few more sections of insane steep mudslides that had ropes to assist us. The last of these was labeled The Climb. I joked with the guys near me "oh yeah, THE Climb, as if it is the ONLY ONE." Turns out they should have called it The Last Climb, because we came out of the woods for the finishing gauntlet shortly thereafter.

The final obstacles! Hooray! And we get to go under the fence through the moat again, I loved that last year. And then...UGH. They put the insane, thick mud in between two of these fence moats. And I, for the first time in my obstacle-racing career, got hopelessly, vacuum-seal STUCK in the mud. I lost several minutes because I had to sit down in the mud, dig out my foot with my hands, get my fingers under the front of my shoe, and PULL with all of my might to break the seal. Meanwhile a group of half dozen spectators are standing there watching me, not even having the good grace to ask if I was alright (from that distance I could easily look like I'd broken my ankle or something). I yelled over to them "are you not entertained?!" Nothing. They just kept staring at me, saying nothing. What a pack of weirdos. Because I'm a smartass, I called out "I'm okay" when I passed them, to their continued silent stares. Pro tip: if you are spectating an obstacle race and someone looks like they're in trouble, at least ask if they need you to get them some help. Don't stand there mouth-breathing like some sort of voyeuristic Midwestern Jabba.

After getting myself out of that hopeless muddy situation, I continued to the Wall of Shame obstacle, which is actually a set of two 8' walls that had some board-steps nailed into the middle of them, thankfully. These walls were soaked with mud and were scary enough without such assistance. Finally we climbed over another angled wall with board-steps and I crossed the finish line in 1:58 and change. Was hoping for a better time than last year, but ended up a few minutes slower, which makes sense because the course was tougher AND I lost lots of time digging myself out of deep mud! I got a beer, pounded it in three minutes while waiting for a cold-wash hose, then got cleaned up and back on the road.

I look like I fell in a port-a-john.

Pros:

-Course. Such an amazingly challenging course under normal circumstances, and the mud makes it totally badass.

-Obstacles. Good diversity, and they made improvements to some of them from last year (more boards on the down ladders from the angled walls, for example) that made them feel more safe.

-Improvements all around! This year's event was better on all fronts: no more roving photographers; more water stops; aforementioned safety; better labels at bag check; great pre-race communication regarding potential weather; better shirt color; more medics; just an extremely smoothly-run event.

Cons:

-No timing whatsoever. I don't really mind this, but it led to the course DJ making announcements like "the average finish time is 1:25" which I think absolutely MUST be bullshit. I would believe maybe 1:45. MAYBE. 

-I wish there'd been a warning about the mosquitoes. I know, I'm nitpicking, but I didn't want to list only one Con.

Race Grade: A-. A very good event that made little tweaks since last year and got way better (bumped up a full letter grade!). Definitely a good, challenging race to do in Iowa.

This Is Spartan Ultra Episode 8

Today's workout ended up being a bit of a "Spartan Duathlon," with a 40 minute hike, then 45 minutes at the ninja gym, then another 50 minutes of hiking. Fun! Today's takeaways: my grip strength is getting MUCH better; I am getting better body control and agility, both on obstacles and on hikes; and the water patterns in my park can change dramatically in only a few days' time.

How Sore Are You?

Muscle soreness. We all get it. We all suffer from it. But are you being a drama queen, or is it really that bad? To find out, we need to compile a fearless and searching inventory of our bodies, and place those results on my Soreness Scale. Before you dare complain publicly about how "trashed" you are, figure out if you're really trashed or if you're just, well, dramatic.

Soreness Level 1
Symptoms: Mostly marked by general fatigue, with slight soreness with big dynamic movements.
Severity: Very superficial. Does not affect quality of movement or life.
What To Do? Go work out. If you cannot work out through Level 1, I can't help you, man. You are too damn dramatic for words.

Soreness Level 2
Symptoms: This is when soreness becomes localized. You feel it in specific muscle groups that have been overworked, but only when the muscle is engaged. Your muscles may be tight.
Severity: Superficial, anywhere from 10-40% through the muscle.
What To Do? Go work out. Put out a slightly lower effort with the affected muscle groups.

Soreness Level 3
Symptoms: Muscle groups are pretty dang sore. You can feel it even when sitting/laying down. It becomes difficult to work through a full range of motion, and certain areas may feel particularly "tenderized." At this level you may start to worry about accidentally pulling something or cramping.
Severity: Deep, 50-80% through the muscle.
What To Do? Active recovery (a light cardio or yoga workout) is usually a good idea. Perhaps a light massage.

Soreness Level 4
Symptoms: Intense soreness, particularly in certain areas of certain muscle groups. You will not trust your body to "catch you" on descents such as down stairs or getting on the floor. At this phase limping is likely, or wincing as you lift your arms. Odds of accidentally pulling, hyperextending, or cramping seem extremely high. Large, dynamic movements (like walking across the street to the mailbox) will exhaust you quickly.
Severity: To the bone. Probably widespread.
What To Do? Nothing. Sit your ass down and relax. Drink lots of water, eat lots of protein. Do not massage until you get back to level 3.

Soreness Level 5
Symptoms: This is Defcon Whatever The Highest Defcon Is. The smallest movement is exhausting. You will be in pain even THINKING about making the slightest movement. Level 5 soreness is something most people will never experience in their lives. It takes special circumstances, most of them wholly preventable, to reach this level. You must fail a muscle repeatedly. You must be at least a little dehydrated. You must either lack the good sense to stop, or not care about the consequences.
Severity: Function in the muscle will be below 3%. You will, literally, barely be able to move.
What To Do? Exercise is out of the question. Hell, getting out of bed might be out of the question. This is, no exaggeration, a once-in-a-lifetime soreness that will make you lament all the times you bitched about being at a level 3. Hire a babysitter, call in friends to feed you, and pray.

Race Recap: Des Moines Women's Half Marathon

Des Moines Women's Half Marathon 5/5/19 Des Moines, IA

Weather: 60 degrees, sunny
Terrain: roads and paved recreation trails

Distance: 13.1 miles

I decided to start my spring race season with a PR half marathon attempt. My main goal (besides a PR) was to run the entire thing. I had run most of this course in previous Des Moines half marathons that I'd done, so I knew the course would be flat, fast, and ideal for a continuous jog. But shin splints had derailed my running in the previous few weeks, so although I'd healed up and gotten new shoes (old shoes being the culprit behind the shin splints), I was a bit nervous that my run cardio wouldn't hold up.

Packet pickup on Saturday went smoothly and parking was surprisingly a breeze. The morning of the race, parking continued to be no problem and I was only a few minutes' walk from the start at Jasper Winery. The big problem that morning: the bathroom line. There were 21 port-a-potties at this event with thousands of runners. Big mistake. Huge. Thankfully I got back to the start corral at 7:59 for an 8 AM start. It seemed that people had seeded themselves pretty well for the most part, which was good. The first miles were crowded but not overly so. (Small mistake on race crew's part: the first mile marker was about 2/10ths short, but the second mile made up the difference.) Water stops were early and often, about every mile or so, which I appreciated. I had pockets in my shorts so I carried Fig Newtons and ate them at mile 4 and 8. There were the occasional musicians and DJs on the course as well.

For the first several miles I felt extremely strong. My cardio was excellent. My breathing was long and steady. My shins felt totally fine. Around mile 8-9 I started to feel somewhat tired, though. Not anything too specific, just run-down in general. The sun was beating down and the air was humid (by the end of the race it was about 70 degrees) so that didn't help. Miles 10-12 were in a pretty secluded area with hardly any spectators and no entertainment. That was a rough couple of miles for me. I forced myself to keep shuffling along at a jog because my number one goal was to get through the entire race without walking. Obviously I have nothing against walking, but I knew jogging the whole thing would push myself to a limit that I didn't know I could break, and I wanted to see if I could do it through sheer willpower. I even jogged through the water stops, which was tough when there were plastic cups (another small race mistake, in my opinion).

Near mile 12 we came out of the secluded area and saw more people, which helped. One last sadistic uphill portion and we were at the winery for the finish line. Set a new official PR of 2:34, which is 7 minutes faster than my previous half PR which I'd set in fall 2012. It felt good to finally PR in the half after nearly 7 years. Got my delicious finisher sangria and some food and basked in the glory.

Pros:

-Organization. Lots of volunteers, good staging area/parking, well-marked course, lots of aid stations.
-Post-race party. About 5 different wines to choose from, small but curated food selection, entertainment, and plenty of grass to sit on.
-Swag. Finisher medal, commemorative wine glass, and a shirt with actual long sleeves.

Cons:

-Port-a-potties. Come on, we need more. This is a women's event, we can't just pee in the bushes.
-Race photos. Finish photos should have timestamp categories at the very least to make searching easier. Course photos seemed to prioritize "photographic artistry" over customer satisfaction.

Race Grade: A-. Great event with only a couple hiccups.