How Sore Are You?

Muscle soreness. We all get it. We all suffer from it. But are you being a drama queen, or is it really that bad? To find out, we need to compile a fearless and searching inventory of our bodies, and place those results on my Soreness Scale. Before you dare complain publicly about how "trashed" you are, figure out if you're really trashed or if you're just, well, dramatic.

Soreness Level 1
Symptoms: Mostly marked by general fatigue, with slight soreness with big dynamic movements.
Severity: Very superficial. Does not affect quality of movement or life.
What To Do? Go work out. If you cannot work out through Level 1, I can't help you, man. You are too damn dramatic for words.

Soreness Level 2
Symptoms: This is when soreness becomes localized. You feel it in specific muscle groups that have been overworked, but only when the muscle is engaged. Your muscles may be tight.
Severity: Superficial, anywhere from 10-40% through the muscle.
What To Do? Go work out. Put out a slightly lower effort with the affected muscle groups.

Soreness Level 3
Symptoms: Muscle groups are pretty dang sore. You can feel it even when sitting/laying down. It becomes difficult to work through a full range of motion, and certain areas may feel particularly "tenderized." At this level you may start to worry about accidentally pulling something or cramping.
Severity: Deep, 50-80% through the muscle.
What To Do? Active recovery (a light cardio or yoga workout) is usually a good idea. Perhaps a light massage.

Soreness Level 4
Symptoms: Intense soreness, particularly in certain areas of certain muscle groups. You will not trust your body to "catch you" on descents such as down stairs or getting on the floor. At this phase limping is likely, or wincing as you lift your arms. Odds of accidentally pulling, hyperextending, or cramping seem extremely high. Large, dynamic movements (like walking across the street to the mailbox) will exhaust you quickly.
Severity: To the bone. Probably widespread.
What To Do? Nothing. Sit your ass down and relax. Drink lots of water, eat lots of protein. Do not massage until you get back to level 3.

Soreness Level 5
Symptoms: This is Defcon Whatever The Highest Defcon Is. The smallest movement is exhausting. You will be in pain even THINKING about making the slightest movement. Level 5 soreness is something most people will never experience in their lives. It takes special circumstances, most of them wholly preventable, to reach this level. You must fail a muscle repeatedly. You must be at least a little dehydrated. You must either lack the good sense to stop, or not care about the consequences.
Severity: Function in the muscle will be below 3%. You will, literally, barely be able to move.
What To Do? Exercise is out of the question. Hell, getting out of bed might be out of the question. This is, no exaggeration, a once-in-a-lifetime soreness that will make you lament all the times you bitched about being at a level 3. Hire a babysitter, call in friends to feed you, and pray.