This Is Spartan Trifecta Weekend Episode 5

 

Link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5WVrJfBtic

Recapping the build-up to the Spartan Ohio Trifecta weekend, coming soon! 

Race Recap: Gladiator Assault Challenge

 Gladiator Assault Challenge 5/22/2021, Boone, IA

Weather: 75 degrees, sunny

Terrain: Ski hill, muddy trails

Distance: 5K (full course 6 miles)
Elevation Gain: 5K approx. 800 feet

Course map

Garmin data

My friend Megan and I carpooled to Boone for this race, the first actual EVENT that I've done since February 2020. Being fully vaccinated, I was not concerned about catching any horrible viral diseases, which is good because thanks to our horrific Iowa governor (which is a subject for a whole other blog), all mask mandates and recommendations were obliterated prior to this event. I ended up feeling very safe, between the vaccine, the outdoor setting, and the natural social distancing that we all continued to uphold after 15 months of diligent practice. That is all I will say about the COVID. For the most part, Megan and I were pleased that it felt like "the before times" out there.

How normal the world looks!

Check-in was lightning fast, just wristbands and a t-shirt. The festival area was, as always, compact enough to find everything but spacious enough to distance. We headed up to the top of the ski hill for the start line and began with the 9 AM wave. First we descended the big hill via switchbacks, then went through the Muddy Bunkers, which are always a treat. Get us filthy IMMEDIATELY, that's the GAC way! We slid into muddy water three times, then hauled ourselves out and lumbered up the hill to a big bottleneck where everyone had to do a low crawl under an obstacle. This one should have been saved for later in the course, as it really did back up traffic this early. 

After getting out of there, we encountered another bottleneck as we approached the woods and people were trying desperately to ascend a steep muddy trail in their old-ass road shoes. I valiantly scrambled ahead like a mountain goat and pushed, pulled, and dragged slipping people up. After offering to throw hands to people's butts to get them up, I said "it's been a LONG quarantine" to great amusement. Seriously, this is the first time I've touched a stranger in over a year, and it felt natural! Mud run: 1. COVID: 0.

Point about this venue: if you're not going uphill, you're going downhill. We reached a downhill so steep we needed to use ropes to descend. On the muddy ropes I used my patented "cock your wrist up a bit so the rope doesn't slide right through your hands" technique. Works every time. Down the hill. Up the hill. This course absolutely refuses to give you a break. And the trails were particularly muddy from a week of rain, so every direction you went was slippery. 

After descending the ski hill again back past the spectators, we did an A-frame with a cargo net on the back end, then two 8-foot walls. They had boards as steps in the middle, but I used my tall-walls technique and didn't need them. This was very impressive to the ladies behind me, which always makes me feel good about myself. Glad I'm not too rusty out here! Between the walls was a 3-foot wall that the big muscular dude in front of me HOPPED OVER like it was the world's easiest box jump. "I teach parkour," he explained. Hell yeah you do, dawg.

Parkour would be no help for the next challenge, though: getting back to the top of the ski hill. No switchbacks, just a straight-up climb. I managed to make it to the top without stopping to rest, by some miracle. Up and down through the trails, then back out by the main ski hill for the Mud Crawl obstacle. Due to previous years' trauma, I had vowed to skip any mud pit that was LABELED (as an obstacle), so I walked around it with no regrets. I'd already encountered a woman who'd lost both shoes in the Muddy Bunkers. Not gonna do it. Up and over a very loose A-frame cargo net, then through a paracord maze beneath the finish line A-frame obstacle. 

After that was crawl tubes. They started in water. I said "OH GOD" when I saw the inside of the tunnels and realized the water ends halfway because the tubes tilt up. I had to push myself valiantly with my toes because my hands couldn't get much purchase on the slippery tube. Luckily for Megan she was short enough (5'2") to crawl on hands and knees and avoid my weird toe-pushing strategy. If you are approaching six feet tall, you will hate this obstacle! Up the hill, under a very short barbed wire crawl that a middle-aged man was cheering me on for, for some reason. I didn't look like I needed help, but he really wanted to encourage me. Then he started talking about how his wife says he needs to grow a bigger butt so he can keep his gun holster on his hips better, and how he has to carry a gun because of how society is today, and at this exact moment a 20-year-old male volunteer roared right past us on an ATV and blessedly cut off the one-sided conversation. In related news, I now believe there IS a God. 

Megan and I headed back down the muddy trails and I rolled my ankle. It was quick but vicious. I knew within one minute that this was an injury. A small one, but an injury. Thankfully we shortly after got to walk through an ice-cold creek for a couple tenths of a mile! The water felt great. Walking on rocks, not so much. I knew I'd be taking the 5K split instead of doing the full 6 miles. This was only about 1.6 miles into the race and I absolutely could not risk a more serious injury before Spartan Ohio.

Climbed back up the slope, then balanced on the logs through Wobbler. About 30 feet long, about 9-inch diameter logs. It was easy as long as you took your time. I didn't see anyone fall in this year! Down the hill back to the festival area for Monkey Mayhem, which is usually monkey bars, and usually really easy. This year it was...a rope, strung horizontal, but extremely slack, over a shallow water pit. There were NO directions on what we were meant to do here. You could literally walk through the water and do nothing. I ended up just doing a tyro-traverse hand over hand pull while floating. This obstacle was LAME. I wish they'd kept the monkey bars. After that was the one where you go through a water/mud pit under some chain-link fencing. It was fine. A lady ran into me, apologized, then kept doing it. Instead of just stopping and waiting for the all clear. It was ridiculous.

After that was the 5K split. I told Megan she had better keep going for the full. Just because I was hobbled didn't mean she could quit early! So we split up and I circled back around to the top layer of crawl tubes. No water this time! Then right away to the final A-frame, which is always scary because the holds on the way up have tons of caked-on dirt. I survived, then crossed the finish. Medal, beer, banana, photo. Megan finished the full course an hour later, which gave me time to use the hose wash, change, eat nachos (the food tent is amazing), and sit with a bag of ice on my ankle until it melted.

Pros:

-Spectator-friendly. The course loops past the festival many times.

-Terrain is VERY challenging and technical. Which is kind of surprising for such an otherwise casual event.

-Simple but effective. Not a lot of bells and whistles, but what they do, they do well.

Cons:

-Obstacles are way too easy. They're almost ALL just climbing over, under, or through things. I'd love to see a few grip obstacles, maybe a rope climb, a couple heavy carries. They also have many "obstacles" listed on the map that are really just hills.

-Mud. It just feels like they're trying too hard to make us instantly dirty. Like I've said before, mud should serve a purpose. Some folks love it, though.

Race Grade: B+. A good, basic OCR that felt great to do after a long racing hiatus.

Vintage Race Recap: Walt Disney World Marathon 2009

Long before I had a blog, I was writing detailed recaps of my races for my own personal use. I've decided to try and transcribe some from my scrapbooks and post them here for posterity! Enjoy the story below of my first-ever full marathon.

***

Walt Disney World Marathon

Kissimmee, FL, 1/11/09

After my 3:10 AM wakeup call, I got ready and headed for the bus, which barely had a wait. It was about 56 degrees, so it felt chilly but not too bad. Sat next to, and befriended, a lovely woman named Susan on the bus, who was doing her first marathon as a part of Goofy’s Challenge. She said her son pushed her too hard during the half yesterday, so she wanted to take it easy and just finish the marathon.

When we got to Epcot we parted ways. I managed to break my aviator sunglasses as I walked in. Oh well, that’s what a hat is for – to block the sun. Plus I ended up being glad I had no sunglasses, because I have unobstructed pictures of myself from the race!

Went to the Family Reunion area to hang out. At 4:50 AM I checked my sweat bag and got in the port-a-potty line, which took about 30 minutes and the thing was out of toilet paper. Ew.

Went from there to the corrals – long walk, so I got there only a few minutes before the start. Snapped pictures of the start line (which I was much closer to than when I did the half last year!) and myself in the back of the E corral.

Be afraid.

At 5:50 AM the wheelchairs started, then the fireworks went off and we all started! It took me almost 4 minutes to cross the line, and I stayed off to the far left so I wouldn’t get in the way of runners. I was pleased with the lack of jostling and pushing – everyone was polite and respectful of everyone’s pace. Folks were in great spirits as we wound around Epcot.

Once we got into Epcot, they made us all funnel through a small lane, which caused an annoying backup. Other runners were like “why did they make us do this?” People were still patient and courteous, though, and after that it was smooth sailing through Future World. I went to the bathroom at the Horizons pavilion (a real bathroom! Praise Allah!), then kept on the red course (there was a split start with red and blue merging eventually) past Mexico and Norway. There were characters along the way, and the lines to greet them were predictably long.

We turned left between Norway and China and went backstage. Apparently there was a merge point somewhere around here, but I didn’t notice it! Probably because the blue start had faster runners! We hit the mile 5 mat and I thought of the people tracking me who would see that I was right on pace! By my watch, that split was exactly 1:15! After this point the runners had thinned out, so I was able to increase my pace a bit.

Before the TTC we saw runners coming the other way and heard the announcer saying “you’re halfway done” to them. I said “I’m jealous!” Someone else mentioned that they were tempted to cut the course, and I said there was a bigger temptation at mile 20!

Kept up the faster pace through the TTC and past mile 10 (2:27:53 – banked a couple minutes!) into the Magic Kingdom. When we turned onto Main Street, the energy was great! I had someone take my picture in front of the castle, then went through Tomorrowland into Fantasyland. As we went into the castle, I got my pic taken with the Fairy Godmother, who told me to have a good race. I said “I’ll try!”

Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

Coming out of the castle, I slowed down slightly to get an official photo – yay! Last year (2008 Half Marathon) I wasn’t able to get one because there was an actual LINE for official photos. Saw more characters through Frontierland, but the lines were too long to stop.

Hit mile 11 in front of Splash Mountain, then went through the backstage area to the resort road. At this point the course was almost eerily silent, and the Sharpie signs were the only entertainment. This was the point where it mentally turned around – until then there was excitement and distractions, but when it got so quiet I stopped being distracted and started getting in my head and thinking about what lay ahead. I kept trying to pull myself back into the moment, but it was tough in this stretch.

Went past Grand Floridian (Mary Poppins was out for a photo op) and the wedding pavilion, where a woman had a “Groom Wanted” sign and flirted with all the running men. Awesome! We continued past the Polynesian, then down the long road towards Animal Kingdom. Crossed the aforementioned halfway point at 3:12:33 – I saw that a 6:25 marathon was possible, but I was extremely pleased that I had banked that 5 minutes in case I needed to slow down later. Although I didn’t really have a time goal, I did want to meet my expectation of a 6:30 race!

The stretch between the resorts and Animal Kingdom was a boring, and at times smelly, road past a water treatment plant and composting facility. Even the port-a-potties in this area were gross. On the bright side, Susan and I found each other a few times on this stretch, so we were able to talk for a bit more – a nice distraction! She was running more than I was, though, so she’d go ahead and I’d eventually catch up during her walk breaks.

Besides chatting with Susan, more Sharpie signs and the occasional boombox with music from 1997-2001 were pretty much the only entertainment until the Animal Kingdom, which was around mile 16. Animal handlers were out near our entrance into AK with goats, sheep, and birds – which I personally found hilarious. The last thing I would think at mile 16 of a marathon is “boy, I wish I could pet a goat right now!”

Came into AK to some African drummers, then turned through Asia. I got a picture of Susan in front of Everest. Susan later told me that she heard of other people getting off the course to ride Everest, and that they were allowed on with no wait! Hey, whatever motivates you!

Pictured: Everest, Susan.

We all continued through to DinoLand, where we went past the Dinosaur ride backstage. Got a picture with Minnie on the way to the AK parking lot. I loved the car with what looked like kids in their late teens honking and cheering all the way past the course in the lot! A spectator called out that I looked great, and I said “I don’t feel great!” He responded “it doesn’t matter what you feel like, just what you look like, and you look MARVELOUS!” It was exactly what I needed to hear!

So many great characters between Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios.

Got my picture with Mickey in the parking lot – no line! Amazing! On the far side of the parking lot, we passed mile 18, and I told Susan “I’ve never gone this far before! Every step is a new PR!” She went ahead and I started talking to Erica from the south. She was very nice and helped distract me until mile 20. After that I ran a bit and she kept walking.

At this point I started really noticing the pain in my feet and ankles, and tried to stay in the moment and not think about the path ahead – which included a turnaround, which was quite long! Said hi to, and high-fived, a few folks on that stretch. Finally turned around and turn off to go to the Studios. Told a girl near me “at least we’ll have something to look at soon!” and we started talking. She, too, was very nice – had done Chicago in October and is from Florida.

I ran a bit again and was by myself going into the Studios. As I was about to enter the backlot tunnel, the blister on the small toe of my left foot popped. It hurt like hell. I fought off tears through the park (no, I did not take the Hershey’s miniatures offered at mile 22/23).

As we left HS for the resort path, the blister on my right foot’s little toe popped. The pain was crazy and I was trying not to cry. I kept thinking “I only have 5K to go,” and I was grateful that in my training I’d had to walk on popped blisters before (for 1.5 miles) so I at least had experienced that pain. Saw the Florida girl again, who expressed condolences for my blister issues. I basically fought tears through the resort area and the Boardwalk, which was a huge distraction in a gorgeous area and I was upset that I couldn’t be more excited about this part of the race!

As we were about the enter Epcot I tried to pull myself together so as not to sob in front of the spectators! Turned into World Showcase out of the UK pavilion, and passed mile 25 in France. There was some hoopla about the “hills” at this point, but my foot pain made me not even notice them!

Most of the last stretch is a blur – I got confused when I thought the outpost was Mexico, only to proceed into China. I kept going and saw Mom with my video camera. I said “this is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” which elicited some laughs from spectators nearby. Tried to jog more going through Future World just to get it over with, but at this point I was fairly sure I wouldn’t be under 6:30 – that’s okay! I just wanted to be done at this point!

Finally went past the gospel choir, who were just swaying to recorded music at this point – kind of disappointing. I passed mile 26 and jogged the final stretch to the finish line past the huge, screaming crowd. I got very emotional when I finished – combo of pain and pride. According to my watch, I finished in 6:30:55 – could still call it a 6:30 finish! Choked back tears in the finish chute and as I got my mylar, got my chip removed, and got my medal (my sobs were dampened somewhat when I realized my medal was put on backwards – kinda funny!).

Picked up water and a Clif bar, then got my finisher photo. Went out to the bag-check tent for my last initial and found my mom. She kept telling me what I’d done was so amazing, but it wasn’t really sinking in that I had actually finished a marathon. I think the pain had put me in a state of shock!

I later limped slowly back to Epcot for Guinness.

Race Grade (this written in 2021): B+. Disney really does put on a high-quality event. The logistics are well-executed but seem to be optimized for events half their actual size (such as not having enough port-a-potties). It is a one-of-a-kind race experience to go through the theme parks, though, and the on-course entertainment is always top notch. Disney fans can get photo ops with characters they NEVER see in the parks. The long time limit of 7 hours (although it is a HARD limit and you will be swept by a bus) make this a good first-marathon choice.