Race Recap: Gladiator Assault Challenge

Gladiator Assault Challenge 5/19/18 Boone, IA

Weather: 70 degrees, sunny

Trails: Ski resort - technical trails with constant, steep hills

Distance: 6 miles, approx. 30 obstacles

Drove to Boone and the Seven Oaks Recreation Area for a 6-mile obstacle race on their ski slopes. Parking was free and close to the venue, which was nice. Everything was close together and easy to find. Dropped my bag and headed for the start line, which was at the top of the ski slope. Holy hell, that slope is steep and rough. It's like walking on a treadmill set for a 10-15% incline. Waves were being released every 20 minutes with a cannon blast from the National Guard that had everyone literally plugging their ears. It was so loud, y'all.

We took off down the ski slope and there was only so fast you could go down these hills. If you got to running, you'd roll your ankle or just tumble down the hill. First obstacle was being dunked in muddy water twice. Then we climbed up the hill again halfway and had to high-step through a cargo net. Then we were dunked in muddy water again. Then we went through Sink Hole, which is practically QUICKSAND MUD. I literally got completely stuck and was worried how I would even get out. I can imagine several shoes were lost in this pit. Fortunately I managed to get the hell out of Sink Hole, but it was one of the single worst experiences of my 35 years on Earth. I also spent the rest of the race with rocks in my shoes, most of which probably settled in during this obstacle. After that we tore off into the woods for a good length of running, then encountered Down and Dirty, where we were...surprise!...dunked in muddy water again, then we used a rope to climb up to the top of a slope which was populated by several National Guardsmen who were working the cannon. They were totally deadpan and reminded me of the Buckingham Palace guards. Also, let the record show that I was faster at climbing the rope up the slope than the athletic dudes who were annoyingly ahead of me. We went right back down the slope on our butts using a tarp as a sort of slip 'n slide, only less fun, because at the bottom of the slide was MORE MUDDY WATER OF COURSE.

We made it back up through the woods to the top of the ski slope, where we had to do a low crawl through mud, then scale the Summit Assault, an A-frame with a wall/board ladder on one side and a cargo net on the back end. The cargo net was LOUSY with mud and extremely slippery. I got up the wall in a few seconds because I am a great climber, but getting back down was terrifying. Spoiler alert: future walls would be much worse. From there we continued to the Wall of Shame, which were basically 2x4s that formed a low ledge for the feet and high ledge for the hands, and you had to work your way across it for about 40 feet. This was easy for me because my OCR shoes have great traction despite being muddy, and I have big hands/long fingers that made the hand holds really easy to grip. Afterward we went back up the ski slope and did a low crawl under barbed wire, thankfully this wasn't too difficult and I didn't get cut up (I saw others who were not so lucky).

After this was Vertigo, which was a short (about 15' tall) vertical cargo net. I tried scaling it in the middle and it moved way too much, so I moved to the outside and it was a breeze. After that was another long section through the woods, which contained a river run that was much cleaner and a good chance to wash off our muddy hands and faces. Another long section through the woods and we came out near the start area at the top of the ski slope, where there was a much-needed water stop and the Wobbler, a (thankfully) stationary log (there were 3 logs to choose from, all identical) that crossed a water pit. I didn't know how deep the water was and resolved to not find out. I went sideways and slowly inched myself across the 40' log/pit, and stayed dry! I saw another girl who was not so lucky, but she was propped in a split between two logs and I think that was a bad strategy. Points for originality and style, though! 

Next was the most diabolical, unholy obstacle of all time: Monkey Mayhem. This was about 30' of monkey bars across a muddy pit of unknown depth. I noticed everyone was failing it and was like "are the bars slippery?" and a dude said "they spin." THEY. SPIN. The bars spin. This I was unprepared for, gang. The bars were also a good two feet apart, so you couldn't just hang low and gut it out, you had to swing from one to the next...with twisting bars. This was not okay. I made it across one bar and it was just moving too much for me to get to the next one, so I dropped down into the 2-feet-deep muddy water (again! Drink!) and got the hell out of there as fast as I could. This was my ONLY obstacle failure of the day, fortunately I was in excellent company since almost nobody made it across.

Right after this we had Tunnel Trouble, where we had to crawl through plastic tunnels about 2 feet in diameter. The tunnels had a couple inches of muddy water (DRINK!) in them for good measure. I am quite claustrophobic but I managed to get through without panicking by focusing on executing a good snake crawl (which I said in my last update I am getting good at, so hooray!). The muddy water had a lot of grass in it. At this point my new friend Husky 30-Year-Old Man and I were joking a LOT about all this crazy shit. He had rocks in his tunnel and was worried that his huskiness would result in getting stuck in the tunnel, which would be my worst nightmare. Oh my god.

Anyway, we went on to a series of walls called Steeplechase, the first two about 3' tall ("right in the babymaker! Gotta go back home and tell your spouse you can't have kids!") and the second two about 8' tall, with boards to climb up. Once you get up there, the top is so muddy and slick that it was scary to get down. I managed to grab the edge and lower myself both times, though. We headed back off into the woods and heard the start cannon boom again (it was booming every 20 minutes, remember) and I exclaimed that I feel like I'm in the goddamn Hunger Games, which got some laughs. After the run, we encountered Combat Zone, which was a bunch of logs of different heights set on their ends that we needed to balance on as we moved across. Thankfully I am tall and this wasn't too hard to navigate, but the logs were pretty far apart (about 4') which made it tricky. They varied in diameter from about a foot to about 6". The small ones were tougher. Here is where I basically joined up with a group of middle-aged men who were in pretty damn good shape. I thought "if I can hang with these guys I'll be okay!" After that we scaled a big dirt hill, then came upon a field of little A-frames called Plinko. It was basically the quintuple steps from American Ninja Warrior, only a little shorter and there were about a dozen of them. The middle-aged men said "we're watching YOU first." I had to jump carefully, grab the top, then set myself up at the edge to jump to the next. Made it all the way! Go me!

Into the woods where we quickly came across The Great Descent. This was, essentially, a mud chasm 3' wide with a rope hanging in the middle of it. The middle-aged men were very amused by my "oh HELL NAW, that is deep and sticky, that's what SHE said" wisecrackery. I did manage to get through fairly easily by grabbing the rope and straddling the chasm in a sort of side splits and walking my ass backwards down the giant hill. It went on and on. The Great Descent is RIGHT. And the rope didn't last forever. Eventually we were just trying not to die as we semi-slid down a muddy hill. Finally at the bottom we waded through a muddy creek (DRINK!) that would be considered "impassable" by settlers in the westward expansion. 

What goes down must come back up. At the top we encountered the High Horse Hurdles, which were walls made of 4x4s a few feet apart that you had to climb up and over. Three planks high, then 4 planks high, then another 3 planks high. At least these were not super muddy and slippery! Then we came to Carry Your Wood and a water stop. I asked the volunteer if he'd heard a lot of "that's what she said" jokes today and he said surprisingly few. Carry Your Wood is a misnomer because you are actually carrying a concrete block around a 1/4 mile loop. I was a damn beast on this one. Although everyone, myself included, was walking, I managed to catch and pass a few people and by the end was caught back up to my middle-aged posse, who I stayed right behind as we all jogged through the woods on the longest continuous section of flat-enough-to-run trail.

We went through the stream again (another chance to clean off) and my middle-aged posse was faster than me as we came into On The Up and Up, which was a real cutesy name for this section and THEY THINK THEY'RE CLEVER, DON'T THEY? This was the last demonically steep uphill of the race, and it was DEMONICALLY STEEP. People were pulled off the course doubled over. I passed about 10 people and I am not fast. I just figured I'd keep moving even at a slow pace because this hill ain't gonna climb itself. At the top of the hill a dozen people were resting and I joked that we needed to order a keg and some pizzas. But I didn't rest, because I saw the downhill of the ski slope and knew this was the finishing gauntlet!

At the bottom of the hill was Tunnel Trouble again, this time we were on the top level of tunnels which were dry. This actually made it harder to get through. The snake crawl is easier when wet. From there was Cage Crawl, which was a super original and terrifying obstacle wherein there is chainlink fence atop a pit of muddy water (DRINK). The best way through is to go face-up and pull yourself through the water along the chainlink, keeping your face as close to the fence as you can to avoid being submerged. I got in there and floated in the water, easily and quickly pulling myself (it was like climbing the fence, only you are underneath it) to the other end of the pit, which was about 50' long and felt like it lasted forever. It was pretty freaky because at one point there is so little space between the fence and the water that your ears are submerged. The best way is to keep your face looking directly up, then water won't get into your ears. I learned that the hard way. At the end I was standing up and a dude was coming FAST, I had to jog out of his way and when he got up he was like "I can't see!" Poor guy.

After that, we went through the Spider Web, which is some cords zig-zagging underneath an A-frame. It was basically the same as the one in the Warrior Challenge, so I did just fine this time. No cramps. We looped back around and went up the aforementioned A-frame, and the back end consisted of very slippery 2x4 ladder with the rungs almost 3 feet apart. So scary to get down. People could legit die. But I survived, ran across the nearby finish line (finish time 1:55 and change) and got myself a surprisingly refreshing Miller Lite. 

Had to wait about 20 minutes in a long line to be able to hose myself off with cold water at the end. None of that was particularly pleasant. But then I picked up my bag, dried off and changed in the women's changing room, and purchased/ate a delicious bratwurst before heading back home with a bag full of dripping, muddy clothes and shoes. Once I got home I spent 10 minutes hosing them off so they'd be barely clean enough to stick in the washer.

Pros:

-Obstacles. Besides the ones where you are just dunked relentlessly in mud, the structures were nice (and doable even while muddy) and while most were climbs/walls, there was a bit of diversity in there too. I would have liked at least one more grip-heavy obstacle that wasn't freakin' impossible. Like real monkey bars.

-Beer is free and literally steps from the finish line. 

-Trails. This was SUCH a hilly course. People were taking breaks in the middle of hills left and right. People were dying out there because of the hills. It presented a great challenge (both ascents and descents) and a good time. We also got to go through a nice clear stream a couple times.

Cons:

-Low rent. This race has no photographers and no chip timing, which are two things I consider nearly essential for an event. The lack of photographers was a TRAGEDY. The finishing spread consisted of bananas, Miller Lite, and water in cups (a bottle would have been nice). There was other food available for purchase.

-Mud was ridiculous. Just WAY too muddy for my taste. There were ropes in the middle of the freakin' forest that we were supposed to use to help us ascend/descend steep hills, and the ropes were caked with mud. It was mud for the sake of mud. Mud should serve a purpose. I am not a crackpot.

Race Grade: B-. The race would have gotten a B+ even without photographers if there had been at least 5 fewer "let's dunk these A-holes in mud yet again" obstacles.