Ten People You See At Every Mud Run

I wrote an article a couple months ago about the Ten People You See At Every Race, which outlined the ten main archetypes you will find at a road race. But mud runs and Spartans are another beast entirely (GET IT? BEAST?), so you find a different set of lunatics there. Let's explore that.

1) Beard Guy

There will be at least one thousand Guys With Beards at any mud run. It is a shockingly common facial-hair state for people who will be consistently doused in muck. But for our purposes, Beard Guy is slightly more specific, and you'll know him when you see him. Beard Guy is always between the ages of 27 and 46, and he usually has very ripped abs (always exposed). He consistently places in the top 15% of his age group. He will be wearing top-of-the-line shoes. For some reason his face is often muddier than his legs.

2) Gearhead

The Gearhead will be wearing EVERYTHING. Compression socks. Armsleeves. Knee brace. Fingerless gloves. Hydration vest. Five kinds of mustard packets. Sweatbands. A waterproof GPS watch. It's like an Instagram influencer exploded on them.

3) CrossFit Enthusiast

You don't need to spot these people. They'll bring it up.

4) Superhuman Parkour Freak

This guy can leap tall walls in a single bound. He can charge through Olympus in five seconds. Everything is so damn easy. He will probably be featured on the official Spartan Race Instagram.

5) Lady Who Can't Do ANYTHING

This woman is out there and she is trying, but God love her, she cannot do a damn thing. She needs a boost on a 4' wall. She sobs her way through A-frame cargo nets. She skips her burpees and probably straight-up skips obstacles. Nobody knows how she got signed up for this dang thing, least of all her.

6) Mansplainer

This guy will give you unsolicited pointers even if you are doing fine on an obstacle. He will let you know, not-so-subtlely, that his way is better than your way, li'l lady. (Alert: the mansplainer is sometimes a woman.)

7) Old Woman Kicking Ass

Just as every road race has a Fat Woman Kicking Ass, every OCR has an Old Woman Kicking Ass. She may be introduced by the hype man in the start corral. She is in her 70s and she is better than you at obstacles. Get into it.

8) Screech Owl

This lady will screech. A lot. At everything. Every time she encounters a puddle, EEEEEK. When she sees a tough obstacle on the horizon, SCREEEEEE. When she gets mud on her shoes, SQUAAAAAWK.

9) Negative Nancy

As opposed to screeching, Negative Nancy will hate on everything. The sandbags are too heavy. The walls are bullshit. The rig is stupid. OMG ANOTHER HILL. Negative Nancy is not here to have fun, and it shows. The best part of her race will be the beer after the finish.

10) First-Time Spear Throw Hitter

Every race has an adorable, enthusiastic participant who hits their first spear throw ever. I love this person. Even when I'm doing my spear throw burpees, I can't help but let out a mighty cheer. The enthusiastic first-timer is often at other obstacles, too. Cheer them on, dangit!