This Is Your Brain On Endurance Events

During any endurance event, my brain becomes a room with dozens of doors. I wander around the room and open them at random. Sometimes I slam them shut immediately, sometimes I linger for a while. The Beast was such a crazy, diverse experience that my doors led to...interesting places.

Mile 1: Sensory Deprivation Tank. Ooh, thank god, I need it to escape all this mud! Let's hang out here and forget where we are. Let the body go on autopilot.

Mile 2: Infirmary. How's the hamstring? Screwed? Alllllrighty then! Put a virtual bandaid on it and get back out there, chief.

Mile 3: YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGHoh shit I don't like that room at all. *slam*

Mile 4: Infirmary. How's the wrist? Screwed? Allllllllllllrighty then. No bandaid allowed, just get rocks in the wound and get back out there, boss.

Mile 5: Sensory Deprivation Tank. Ahhhh, so nice. Let these sand dunes work themselves out. I'll just float here.

Mile 6: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, LADY. YOU WILL DO TEN SETS OF BURPEES BY THE END OF THIS RACE. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, STAND AT THE DOORWAY AND TAKE IT. WALLOW IN IT

Mile 7: Discotheque! I like big butts and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny... (repeat entire song 12 times in a row)

Mile 8: YOU ARE AMAZING! Oh, I like this one. Let's hang out here for a full mile!

Mile 9: Torture chamber. Dammit, where's the sensory deprivation tank when you need it? So many heavy and wet things, all of them sand-covered.

Mile 10: YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. This room again? Shit.

Mile 11: Sensory Deprivation Tank. More autopilot required in the deep sand and steep hills. Oh, look, a photographer. *makes Fonzie "AYYYYY" pose*

Mile 12: YOU DON'T BELONG HERE, LADY. YOU COULDN'T DO TWISTER IF YOUR CHILD'S LIFE DEPENDED ON IT. YOU'LL PROBABLY FAIL THE SPEAR THROW TOO BECAUSE YOU ARE A LOSER AND A JOKEokay that room is just super duper mean.

Mile 12.5: Discotheque! (puts on Mousse T record) I'm horny! Horny horny horny! / SOOO horny! I'm horny horny horny! (repeat out loud to yourself 25 times with the same enthusiasm on each chorus)

Mile 13: Heaven In The Movies. One hit spear and the angels were singing and the birds were chirping. In real life, the rain is falling and I am covered in sticky pebbles and muddy blood.

The key to endurance training and racing is to slam the doors on those bad rooms as quickly as possible, and leave the good rooms wide open. And when all else fails, get a good bop stuck in your head. I recommend Horny Horny Horny. Look it up on YouTube.