After a quick inspirational speech (and please assume that there were several inspirational speeches throughout this event, because we certainly needed them!), we got going with what would end up being about 45 minutes of isometrics and calisthenics. First Coach told us to sit. No, not actually sit, don't be ridiculous. SQUAT. No, not that low, that doesn't use the quads. Knees at 90 degrees. Back straight. Hands up. Now stay like that indefinitely. I do a lot of hot yoga, folks, I know the drill, but I didn't see a single person there who didn't have to adjust and stretch during what ended up being over 5 minutes of a held deep squat. And we were just getting started! After that Coach was kind enough to give our legs a break by having us hold the bottom of a pushup. Indefinitely. Here I was trying to switch between chattaranga arms and perpendicular arms and everything in between, but I kept falling out of it. We were maybe 15 minutes into this boot camp and I'd already achieved triceps failure. In other words, I was having a freakin' awesome time.
The guy in the yeti costume is a sadistic voyeur.
Along with a few other isometric holds that my brain has blocked out for my own protection, Coach Pain showed us 8-count bodybuilders, which goes: 1) squat 2) high plank 3) pushup 4) high plank 5) lateral leg jack 6) high plank 7) squat 8) stand. He would call out different numbers and we'd have to get to the position that correlated. This was some complicated choreography but I learned it quickly. For a while he kept calling out "1! 5! 1! 5!" over and over, which was right around the time I thanked Jesus that there were mimosas coming soon. We recovered from that with over 150 jumping jacks.
It was around this time that our Calisthenics Crusade ended and we shifted to the next phase of the bootcamp, which I will dub FUNctional Fitness Fantasia. We ran over to the tubing hill from yesterday's race and did crab crawls up and a weird slide down. Then we army-crawled out of the area and went through the Arctic Web obstacle, which I managed to get about 90% through during the race. I managed to get about 90% through on this occasion as well, despite my triceps already packing their bags in a huff and leaving the premises. Then we went to the big black diamond ski hill and the real fun(ctional fitness fantasia) began.
Imagine seeing a bunch of grown adults doing this on purpose.
I will say this about Coach Pain: he does not need any fancy equipment. He needs our limbs and our effort and he works with what we've got. In this case, we had a steep-ass hill with a bunch of fuckin' snow and ice on it, and Coach thought "I can work with this." We must have climbed up and down that hill in a million different ways. We frog-hopped. We bear-crawled. We snake-crawled with our hands behind our backs. Crawled on hands and knees. Walked up with linked arms. Duck-walked up. Slid down on hands and feet going backwards. We were all so intimate with that hill by the end that we were seriously discussing marriage. At one point Coach had us pair up and piggyback a partner up the hill. My partner was a guy named Todd and I was quite concerned that my Amazon arse would be too much for him, but he handled it like a boss. Then we had to switch and I had to drag Todd up the hill. At this point I just felt sorry for everyone involved in this, but OCR people are total weirdos so we were secretly into it.
At another point we had to all lock arms and do flutter kicks for what must have been about 10 minutes. To be honest, having my butt on that icy hill was the toughest part. I felt like I was getting frostbite and I needed to keep readjusting and getting off my keister for a second or two. I finally found a decent position and was able to help out my neighbors a bit by grabbing their tights and holding their legs up a bit. Again, thanks, Hot Yoga, for preparing me for this insanity!
"Can't we do something easier? Like give birth without medication?"
All difficult things must come to an end, so after about 2.5 hours of ass-whupping the likes of which I'd never experienced, it was time to get our medals (in a lovely little ceremony!), have a group picture, and get brunch. That hot coffee never tasted so good. If you ever have the chance to take a boot camp with Coach Pain, jump on it. We moved in very unique ways and I learned a lot that I can use with my clients and with my own training. Plus I probably added a half inch to my arms in just one boot camp.
"Yes, officer, this is where the DOMS epidemic originated."
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