5) Walt Disney World Marathon 2009
Mile 18, before my toe fell off
This was my very first marathon, and wow, what a thrill it was. My training was adequate, but not perfect. Due to ice storms in early December, I had to do an 18-mile long run on an indoor track, which was 252 total laps (and 1,008 right turns). That was bad enough. Then during the race at mile 23, as I was entering Disney-MGM Studios, a blister on my left little toe exploded and I literally thought my toe had fallen off. Strangely this did not make me panic, as I reasoned that they could simply reattach the toe in the medical tent. A mile later, though, I quietly sobbed my way into Epcot, where I pulled it together just in time to hallucinate that I was passing the same country over and over in the World Showcase. Post-race, my ankle dorsiflexors stopped working, so I cut my mylar blanket into strips and tied them around my ankle so that I could limp to the United Kingdom pavilion and drink Guinness.
Actually, this race was pretty great, aside from the crying and the hallucinations. I even met my goal finish time.
4) St Jude Marathon 2016
My training for this race was fantastic. Multiple 20-milers, good weather, I felt very fit. On race day, I just realized I was mysteriously walking a minute per mile slower than I usually did/than I felt like I was. This is especially unfortunate in a race with a 6-hour time limit. Fortunately the split for the half marathon finish was late in the race, so I had the option (and took the option) to finish the half rather than try for a full. This race is still my most confusing fail, since I was well trained and felt great, aside from the mystery slowness.
3) Cincinnati Flying Pig Marathon 2010
My training for this race was completely derailed. I decided to follow through with doing this race out of sheer dogged determination to "reinvent myself" after my recent breakup. Arrived in downtown Cincinnati on race day to find pouring, cats-and-dogs rain, which soaked my entire body including feet and socks before the race even began. The rain cleared up after about 6 miles, but the damage had been done. My feet were hamburger meat. The hills destroyed my muscles. The aid stations closed and I had no water in the last 7 miles. They handed me a medal at the finish but all the food and water had been packed up by then. To add insult to injury, they had lost my checked bag and took 30 minutes to find it. Sadly for my fellow racers, I was not the last place finisher of that day.
2) Green Bay Marathon 2011
Oh, you sweet, summer child.
Hubris. Sheer hubris. After the Flying Pig, I thought I could do anything. Why not do yet another marathon without proper training? All I have to do is walk it in under 7 hours and I'll get to finish in Lambeau Field. Well, at mile 5 I realized I had a huge blister. This was approximately 10 miles sooner than I usually develop huge blisters. That first blister popped at mile 13. By mile 16 I was completely alone (I sang "All By Myself" OUT LOUD as I was walking). At mile 19 I passed what would be the last open aid station which was stocked with evangelizing Christians. The insides of my feet had such massive blisters that I was supinating, which caused my feet to severely cramp on all sides from mile 23 onward. It felt as though my feet were preparing for childbirth. It was, to this day, the most agonizing pain I've ever felt, and I've been in transitional labor without medication AND been awake for a colonoscopy. Also I had to pee next to a building in downtown Green Bay because there were zero port-a-johns anywhere and I was desperate. After stopping half a dozen times to loosen my shoelaces because my feet were the size of melons, I finished in dead last place and my little brother had to give me a piggyback ride to the car. And the real kick in the nuts? I was forced to finish in the parking lot instead of going through Lambeau because I missed the cutoff.
1) Des Moines Marathon 2010
"Proof" that this race was going well around mile 12
In my 80-race career, I've DNFed of my own accord one time. It was in this marathon. The race was slated to be open for 7 hours. Halfway through I was on pace to finish in 6:30...yet the course was being shut down. Traffic was reopened. Course signage and volunteers were removed. Aid stations were packed up. I asked a passing cop for a bottle of water (thankfully he had one), which lasted me for a little while. Course marshals on bicycles were passing me, offering me pretzels, gummi bears, Twizzlers, whatever I wanted. I asked for water or Gatorade or anything liquid and was told "oh, we don't have that," and nobody went to get me some. After nearly getting lost at several intersections that were totally unmarked, and feeling sick and delirious from dehydration, I stumbled to yet another closing aid station and asked them to call for a transport to the end. I'd nearly made it to mile 19 before deciding it would be dangerous for me to finish. When I was dropped off at the finish area, I discovered that the medical tent was totally empty except for a large bucket of ice, and it wasn't even the 5-hour finisher mark.
That "marathon gone wrong" was, in my opinion, the worst example of how a race can totally blow it. Closing early is unacceptable. Having no chalk/paint markers on the course is unacceptable. Bike marshals having no fluids is unacceptable. An unattended medical tent is unacceptable. If you find yourself in a race where these logistical things are going terribly, don't be ashamed to drop out and live to race another day. If you complain, you might get to do it for free. But trust me, a DNF is way better than most alternatives.
In closing, the marathon is a serious distance, and it must be respected. If you have the nerve to do one without proper training, be prepared to suffer, and suffer greatly. If you can withstand the torture, you'll have a hell of a story. Send me a link to it.
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