Race Recap: Conquer the Gauntlet Iowa

Conquer the Gauntlet 7/21/18 Woolstock, IA

Weather: 70s and sunny

Trails: Fairly flat farmland and woods, some river crossings

Distance: 4 miles, 25(ish) obstacles

Drove out to Woolstock the morning of the race. This place is in the middle of nowhere. Let's put it this way: directions include "turn off the paved road and go a few more miles." Parking was $10 and in the middle of a field, with a short walk to the festival area. It was small but efficient. Check-in where we got actual bibs and an ankle-bracelet chip. Before the race started I got to look at a few of the formidable obstacles near the end and pretty much decide in my head that there was no way I was doing that crap, but more on that later. My wave started at 9:45 and had a 6' wall to get into the start corral. Being much taller than Spartan's 4' wall, I asked a nearby teenage boy for a boost. Get used to it, kid, you'll be boosting chicks your whole race career!

We started and immediately entered a nice shady wooded area which had a couple of wet/muddy spots. Some unfortunate soul lost a shoe, and people were digging in the mud helping him find it. "Here it is! ...Oh, that's someone ELSE'S shoe." Eeek. My shoes (I chose the Reeboks because I figured this course would have lots of water) stayed on the whole race. The first obstacle was an inverted ladder which was actually pretty tough. I can do this solo every time in Spartan events but this one didn't have a wall to leverage yourself over, so I needed a hand at the top. Plus it was a bit higher and there were no crash pads. That's what waivers are for! After that we went to what is basically a tire ladder, with single "chains" of tires lashed together that you can pick a lane and climb. I was able to do this after quickly figuring out that you cannot climb them like a ladder, you have to put the edge of the tire into your chest and climb it up the side so that it doesn't wobble away from you so much. It also let me "sit" on the top tire to ease the transition over the top of the wall. I felt so smart.

Next up was something called "Elephant Graveyard" which I had no idea what it was. Turns out it was a structure made of spaced-out poles that you climb up and over. Turns out I had been training for this for months without realizing it - I like to do 5 minutes of "propping" myself up in the squat rack on my hands and feet and moving from one side of it to the other. It was perfect preparation for this obstacle. Some other people were totally terrified of it - it gets pretty high off the ground. After that was a water stop next to...a rope climb. The dreadnought rope climb. My archnemesis. I mentally prepared myself for a disaster but the middle rope spoke to me. Put my rope in my S-hook and...holy crap, I could scoot up. Grab, set, scoot. Grab, set, scoot. I managed to scoot my way all the way to the top and ring the bell! I was so excited I felt like the race could be over right now and God could strike me with a fatal lightning bolt and all would be fine. But it was only 1 mile in, so I better keep going :)

After some running through farmland (which, by the way, was fairly ankle-breaking! Watch your step in this race!), there was a Z-beam, which was just a balance beam where you walk on the narrowest part of a board's edge. It was HARD. I fell off a billion times but I just got back on and keep scootching across. The breeze, which was helping keep us cool, was not helping us keep our balance. But then I ran more and came across three 8' walls in a row. Looked around and nobody was there, Lord help me. Some beautiful spectators in lovely dresses asked me if I needed help, but I said I didn't want to get them dirty! Fortunately a dude in his 20s came up after a minute and I enlisted him to shove one of my feet up for each wall, and I spotted him for his climbs as well. Bless that man.

The next obstacle was something called "Smooth Criminal," which who knew what that meant? But it turned out to be AWESOME. There were a couple of tilted steps (like the quintuple steps on Ninja Warrior), then a 60-degree wall like Spartan's Olympus, only there was a pole rigged at the top to hold on to as you traverse, then you have to step to another wall which is the same except once you cross that pole there are a few holds (including a BOWLING PIN, so cool), then you step to another wall and do the pole again before you ring the bell. I managed to do this whole thing just great on the first try! Fortunately with my height I was able to straddle the gap to make the crosses to the other walls. It was one of the coolest, funnest [sic] obstacles I have ever seen in a race. So original and so awesome. If it wouldn't take up my entire backyard I would totally build one.

Ran through the woods again (and by the way, assume that these runs through the woods always include a creek crossing, because they usually did, and usually it was tough to get up the cliff-like bank on the far side) to Pegatron, which was a terrifying obstacle I'd seen on the website and I was 100% sure I'd be unable to do it. I tried, y'all. I literally got NOWHERE. This is some serious Ninja Warrior shizz. You had to take these wood pegs and put them in the holes and get across the board...just no. But it would be super fun for someone who could do that sort of thing. The next obstacle, Crank It Up, was up my alley. You turn a crank to reel in a weighted sled, then pull it back to the start with a rope. This was so easy I can't even, y'all. I should have done the men's sled.

Next up was a river crossing (drink!) then Belly of the Beast, where we climbed up a 8" wide ramp, then had to come back down by crawling down the underside of a cargo net until we could kick a bell. This was a bit awkward to start the climb on (you are sitting on a wood platform and have to get crawling UNDER a net), but once I got going it was not too difficult. A bit of a grip challenge, but getting the feet positioned on the net wasn't tough. Next there was a multirig over a giant water pit. At least one hold on each lane was a straight vertical pipe section. Nope. I was way too intimidated to even try this. I had decided I was in this race for the practice, not for the "gotta beat them all" madness that most folks get excited about. And honestly, I am a sissy about "knowingly plummeting into deep vats of murky water." I admit it. I did make it easily over the next obstacle, an A-frame cargo net plus metal ladder.

Another river crossing (with basically a cliff climb up the other side! Who am I, Isaac Caldiero?!), then a log carry, where the women's logs were ridiculously light. I would be insulted, if I wasn't benefiting so powerfully from it. One last traipse through the woods and river crossing before we came out onto a hilly section of farmland. Here was Stairway to Heaven, which if you have ever seen Ninja Warrior's devil steps...only harder. These are steeper, with about 18" to travel up between each step. I didn't even try this, nor did I see any other woman try it. A couple went up tentatively and grabbed the first step, only to NOPE their way right out of it before actually attempting to climb it. Sorry, no Stairway. Denied. (tm Wayne's World)

At this point my memory is a bit murky since allegedly (according to the course map) there are two obstacles before the next one I remember. Huh. Anyway, the next obstacle I remember is a slackline about 15' long, which I sucked at. Never done a slackline in my entire life. Apparently it's not just for hipsters anymore! Next was another balance obstacle where we had to walk across a 4"-wide balance beam that got shaky in the middle. I took this slow and made it easily. Afterward was a large slip wall (although not slippery) which I got up easily. At this point there was a very upset teenage girl near me who was yelling at her family on the sidelines and refusing to try any obstacles. I felt bad for her and tried a couple times to drag her out of it, but she was deep in The Abyss and was not having it. Poor kid. How she ended up doing this race, I have no idea.

We were now at the very end with only two obstacles left! The first, Cliffhanger, was a giant set of monkey bars sloped up then down with random bars that twist and you fall into deep water if you fail. NOPE. I knew that wasn't happening the second I arrived and overheard some folks mention the twisting. I totally skipped it along with the teenage girl. The final obstacle, Torpedo, was a ladder up to a pipe slide that dropped you at a steep angle into a vat of water that looked like a damn swamp. I could not in good conscience think of a reason NOT to do this obstacle, even though I really didn't want to, because I am not a fan of violent waterslides. But I took off my headband, sunglasses, and watch, set them carefully on the ground by the obstacle exit, and walked my middle-aged ass up the ladder and went down a waterslide. I did not die, and the water felt refreshing, so it was a huge success all around. Gathered my things and crossed the finish line in about 1:42, where I got a finisher shirt, medal, and a bottle of water. Got my checked bag and a pulled pork sandwich from the food truck, went back to my car and changed under a towel, then took off. No showers or change tents, which might have been nice, as I spent the car ride home reeking of swamp.

Pros:

-Unique obstacles. Some of this stuff I'd never seen before. Just awesome.
-Not too crowded. Only had to wait at a couple of obstacles, and not for long.
-Value. Nothing fancy, but it had most of the components I look for in a race (photos, medal, shirt, free bag check, chip timing, smooth organization).

Cons:

-HARD obstacles. If you are a completionist and not in great shape, you will probably leave disappointed.
-No bells and whistles, just like Gladiator Assault Challenge (although what it does have is better - see above). No beer, no food of any kind (except for purchase at the food truck).

Race Grade:  B+. Overall a good event, especially for the money (sign up early for a good deal). The obstacles being so difficult made it a bit of a downer though. It almost felt like I was cheating by skipping the insanely hard, impassable obstacles even though that is entirely within the rules. If I do this race again I will do a 15-burpee punishment so I avoid feeling bad about it :-P